Hey all, the new blog is up:

www.RiansRamblings.com (Sorry, fixed the link, it will work now!)

(The first post is stuff I’ve already posted here).

As of this point, GirlonaDiet.com will be read only.

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Whew… life has been so busy lately! My class has been keeping me especially busy. I’ve also been busy with new friendships and other activities. Life has continued to get better and better. I am learning how to attract positivity and joy in my life with positive thinking. Trust me… it works!

I haven’t forgotten about the new blog. I haven’t yet set it up… but soon.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Hey all! I appreciate the concerned emails – to those who sent them, thanks!

As mentioned in previous posts, I am not really planning not to update here much anymore. I posted here for three years – three years where I didn’t even know my own thoughts, didn’t know how to follow through on anything, held a lot back and didn’t trust myself. (I will still post the link to the new blog when/if I start one). I know my previous basket case of a life would make anyone wonder if I was OK when I disappear.

Nowadays? I’m learning to trust myself. As I shed the self-imposed protective wall that has been around me all my life, the weight is coming off pretty much on my own. I weigh less now than I have since 2006. Still a little ways from my goal, but I don’t think about it nearly as much as I once did. I’m wearing shorts this year, have a tan and am much more confident about myself, both inside and out.

Honestly? I have found my purpose in life, am learning to expand and strengthen my mind, am making tons of new positive-minded and like-minded friends and am growing emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I exercise and eat as healthy as possible regularly and have also greatly improved my physical body. The metaphysics class has been enormously helpful with all of the growth and improvements. As has AA. I’ve become a positive, vibrant person and am attracting all sorts of good right now. It’s simply amazing! I have people in my life right now that I couldn’t even fathom having before… people I’m learning from as well as teaching.

I went and got an intuitive health report reading in Springfield, MO a couple of Sundays ago. I learned about my strengths and weaknesses and have already improved much of the latter. My main issue was self-doubt/self-mistrust. (As was probably evident in this blog!) I also had a huge problem in speaking what was on my mind. Last but not least, I was holding onto some form of self-pity and fear, which was causing my facial swelling. Yep, you read that right. My sinus problems and excessive sodium/water retention AND previous high salt/fat cravings were caused by negative thinking patterns! I’ve since learned that our negative mental thoughts and beliefs express themselves in physical ailments.

I’ve been forced to let go of one negative and toxic friendship. You see, people in our lives are reflections of ourselves. If you choose to surround yourself with negative and self-pitying friends, you are choosing to stay in that frame of mind yourself. I had to let a good friend of seven years go because of this. This person was trying his best to keep me entrenched in the negative way of thinking I’d been in for the past several years. Once I finally let him go, my cheek swelling did indeed FINALLY go down! In letting him go, I let go of that part of myself. It was an absolutely amazing release of negative energy. These days, I’m attracting like-minded and positive people.

In writing this blog for the past 3 1/2 years, I didn’t always speak my true thoughts. I wasn’t always 100% honest here. I was in hiding.

Anyway, if I don’t update here for a while, please do not be concerned. Life for me has become a journey of love, healing, learning and growing. I just had to become ready for good in my life. Everything I’ve gone through has been needed to get where I am. I have an amazing support network just in case I slip back into old patterns. And sure, I have occasional ‘down’ days and times. But it helps to keep myself in a ‘learning’ frame of mind. Everything is here to be a lesson!

I haven’t decided how much of my personal life I am willing to continue to share with people on the internet, which explains why I haven’t yet started a new blog. However, I will make a decision one way or another soon. I appreciate the people who have followed my journey since 2007. I only hope someone – even one person – has been helped in some way. Perhaps my journey could be looked at as a cautionary tale. As in, speak your mind! Don’t be afraid. Trust your thoughts. If nothing else, I hope people reading this who are currently going through their own personal hell can see that no matter how bad it gets, things can and will improve, especially once the person is ready for it. Remember too that we all have karma to get through. Whether you believe it or not.

Growth can be painful, too. It hasn’t been easy letting go of the comfort that my ‘wall’ has provided. It has been painful and a little frightening opening up to people. Some days I want to run and hide. Letting down my wall has made me extremely sensitive to negativity, too. Nowadays I just want to flee from it. I know over time I’ll be able to deal with it though.

And… that’s it for now!

“Fix the inside and the outside will follow.”

These words came into my head one day many, many months ago, before I was ready to hear them or deal with them. But they are true. (And I was recently able to pass them onto someone else who needed to hear them).

Things have changed enormously for me in just the past few days. It may sound trite or silly, but I feel like a caterpillar who has shed its skin and emerged into the bright, beautiful shiny world filled with purpose and meaning. And not because of my weight. (Although yes, the weight loss has continued). Where I was negative, hesitant, confused and unsure before, I’ve become positive, joyful and have realized my purpose in life.

It’s really funny… I look back on my past 5 1/2 years of life of struggle and realize that not one moment was in vain. Not one thing happened that wasn’t supposed to happen for some reason or another. Lots of ‘bad’ things happened that led into good: my car accident in Massachusetts in Dec 2004, which then caused me to lose my job and sent me rocketing into severe depression and PTSD, which led me to move into a building full of alcoholics and addicts in 2005, which led me into alcoholism and a very unhealthy relationship in 2006, which led me into weight gain and isolation in 2007, which led me into a state of mind that longed to be free. Which led into my doing a road trip in 2007, which led into my moving to Oklahoma to be closer to family, which led me into AA and new friends, which finally led me into questioning the constraining and fear-based religious beliefs I’d had since childhood, which led to me finally being free of them (while at the same time keeping them close with a new understanding of them) and gaining a true understanding of life, which led me into deciding that I didn’t need AA, which led to all kinds of experimenting, lots of reading of spiritual books, which led to the realization that I needed to go back to AA after all, which led me back to a group of people that are wonderful, as well as meeting a few individuals that I likely would not have met otherwise. The preceding events also led me into seeking out therapy and undergo several past life regressions, which led me into trying out meditating, which opened my mind more.

My therapists have led me into new understandings of life and myself, which has enabled me to begin healing inside – healing events that happened all the way back when I was 8 years old. Therapy has also led me into deciding to try stepping outside of my comfort zone and joining a metaphysics class. And… that, my friends, was the final catapult into my current bright, wonderful, beautiful, freeing, hopeful and purposeful state of mind that I have FINALLY arrived at.

Wow. What a friggin’ journey!!!!! And it’s nowhere near being over. But now I understand. Most importantly, I’ve realized that the journey is actually the destination.

Joy, peace and love are literally flowing through me, as well as excitement over the challenges ahead. It doesn’t mean all my problems and/or struggles are over. But it means that I am no longer apprehensive or scared of them.

Why am I sharing this? Well, in case anyone else out there is going through some kind of personal hell of their own that they don’t see an end to. Or see a purpose of. I know this blog attracts people in different walks of life. And lately in life, I have been meeting the most incredible people – people who are going through similar things as me. People who are a little further along in the journey or several paces behind. Everyone in our lives are a reflection of ourselves – either ourselves at the present, or in the past, or future, or even a reflection of ourselves we don’t want to be or are scared to be. Take a look around you, you will be quite shocked to realize it’s true. (I sure was).

If you are out there struggling, I can tell you, it’s going to be alright. We all are at the place we are supposed to be. Everything crappy we go through is either a lesson, karma, or a stepping stone to something better and brighter. I’m also learning that our thinking affects our lives and state of mind: negative and dark attracts negativity and darkness, and positive attracts positivity and light.

Anyway, I felt compelled to share this. Fix the inside and the outside will follow!

I’m learning that there is SO much more to life than this physical world we see. There is SO much more to people than just the shell we see and the personalities we allow each other to see. So. Much. More.

Yesterday I flipped my mattress over and spent most of the day relaxing on my couch. What a difference it made! I woke up with pretty much no pain this morning.

As for the sinus infection, things were pretty hairy there for a while. I had been on antibiotics for 8 days or so and still my cheek was swollen. I spent a great deal of Friday and Saturday at a conference inside of a hotel, so there was a lot of air conditioning, which didn’t help matters. I was getting desperate! So, I fasted from about 4pm on Thursday to late Friday night (about 31 hours altogether). Then all day Saturday, I ate very little fruit, a few crackers and not much else. Basically I fasted/fruit fasted for nearly 3 days. I made sure to drink a ton of water and take lots of Vitamin C, zinc, etc. And what a difference it made! I was apparently full of toxins (and still probably am) because I was detoxing like crazy. I was sweating, feeling nauseated and lightheaded (super lightheaded at more than one point), felt weak, mildly feverish, etc. Anyway, my cheek swelling seems pretty much gone.

Here are some other things I’ve been doing to help get rid of the sinus infection: I keep my apartment at 75 or 76 instead of 72 or 73, which means the AC doesn’t kick in nearly as often; sleeping with my bedroom window open to allow the humid air in; using sterilized nose sprays (non medicated) a few times a day; putting warm cloths on my cheeks a few times a day; using very little (if any) perfume; and last but not least, drinking distilled water, as it seems to get things draining more than any other kind of water.

I also lost some serious weight (well, serious for me). Everything has gone down, including my stomach, waist, face, etc. On Saturday night my cheeks were both swollen from the antibiotics and infection and I looked terrible and felt even worse. I could barely focus on anything or anyone and felt like I had tons of involuntary muscle spasms as well as some other bad feelings. For the record, I was on Levaquin, which is a very powerful antibiotic. Never again, that stuff is AWFUL.

All of this basically screams at me that I need to go back to my fruitarian and vegetarian ways. Remember last year from March to October, I was eating tons of fruit and no meat and very little packaged food. In late November that changed and I started eating fish and packaged food again. And it didn’t take long to get sick with another sinus infection. Last year around this time I was vibrant and healthy from all the fruit. Obviously my body can no longer handle crap food. So I stocked up on lots of fruit and plan to do what I did before for the most part: eat lots of fruit throughout the day, then have a healthy dinner with cooked veggies (even potatoes if I want them) and whole wheat grains and what vegan protein I can find. But this time I’ll be taking vitamins, and I’ll allow myself fish 1-4 times a month (only wild caught salmon) to ensure my hair doesn’t start falling out again. Most packaged food will be off limits like it was before.

As for the invisalign situation, I’ve barely worn them in the weekend because I felt it was all I could do to fight off the sinus infection. Now that 90% of my neck and shoulder pain is gone, I will try and incorporate them back into my life more and more often. The problem is that even wearing them for an hour at a time causes pain in my neck to start back up, including when I put hot compresses on my jaws, take hot showers and baths, etc. So I’m going to talk to my dentist again today and see what else I can do about this. I am absolutely beyond fed up of popping Advil and Tylenol like candy – it’s got to stop and is not what I want to do anymore. (As of yesterday I am down to around 3 Advil per day, not bad for me considering I was taking upwards of 12 Advil and 2 Tylenol on my worst pain days!) My psychiatrist prescribed me an antihistamine (Vistaril) that I started taking as of Saturday night. It is also used to treat mild anxiety and sleeplessness but is supposedly non habit-forming. He said I can take up to six a day but I am sticking to 1 before bed. I don’t know if it was a factor in helping out with my sinus situation or not, but I figure it couldn’t hurt so long as I don’t stay on it too long.

So far today I’ve only had a pear as I got up late. I have lots of melon in my fridge and apples, pears, mixed berries, oranges and other misc. fruits. I’m planning to have sprouted whole wheat pasta and spinach for dinner!

In case anyone is wondering, I’m playing around with privacy settings on this blog right now. I’ve decided to privatize many (or most of) my older entries for the time being. Sorry for the inconvenience, but I have decided to give some serious thought on how much of my personal life I’d like to display publicly online from now on. Especially since people I know in real life are coming to this blog now.

Also, I’ve been blogging on here for over 3 years now and I’m honestly wondering if it’s ‘time’ to just move on. I mean, the issues I have blogged about for the past 3 years are pretty much… over! I’m eating what I want and dropping weight like crazy, (or at least slimming down like crazy) as I suspected I would if I stayed off the booze long enough. And I’m able – about 85% of the time – to make good and healthy food choices. I don’t comfort-eat anymore.

As for my other issues… well, I’ve made a lot of progress in therapy and hypnosis. For the record, hypnosis and past-life regression work by far has been the most effective tool in my emotional healing. And, of course, I also am on the road to recovery from my alcoholism and am in a recovery program for that.

Basically, I feel like this blog has been a blog mostly about my struggles. Does my new way of living and viewing life still fit in here? I honestly don’t know, but I’m suspecting that they don’t. I feel like I should make a new start, perhaps even start a new blog with a different name. After all, I’m not really a ‘girl on a diet’ anymore. I’m nowhere near the girl I was when I started this blog! I’ve come a long way from her, but have a long way to go still (and look forward to the journey ahead).

I own several other good domain names that I can use for a new blog. If I decide to go that route, I’ll post a link here. But I’m still not sure how much of my life that I now want to be public for any and all to read. It’s something I’ll need to meditate on and think about for a while.

If I do end up abandoning this blog, I’ll leave it up with the final entries and eventually post some before and after photos of myself at some point down the line – perhaps when I’m only 10 pounds away from my goal weight.

All the past entries are still here – I haven’t deleted them but they are privatized. When I make my final decision about this all – which may be tomorrow morning or maybe in a week, I will let you all know!

My ’spartan’ diet is failing. I am having trouble staying disciplined for some reason! Arghghghghghg. It’s 5pm and I’ve had about 1125 calories. That in itself isn’t bad at all but I’m still hungry and craving sugar like crazy. Grrrr. And I’ve eaten salty crap today too.

Sigh. Oh well. What can you do? Here’s a pic of Sunshyne riding in the car with us this afternoon:

(And yes, that’s my hand in the photo, and yes I’m aware it looks puffy/fat. My hands and everything else for that matter always photograph tons bigger than they are, I don’t know why! )

Her face looks SO much better than it did only weeks ago. She’s been suffering from a skin/fur condition (I can’t recall the name of) and just a few weeks ago, her face had lots of pink splotches where she had lost her fur. It was so sad. But now her face is nearly back to normal! She naturally has white fur with splotches of black and a little pink in some areas.

Unfortunately the fur/skin condition on the rest of her body is healing a LOT slower. The vet put her on meds and they aren’t working as fast as I wish they would. I hate thinking about her suffering in any way.

Anyway… this is my last update for the day. I really hope my appetite can calm down and my sugar cravings will go away. I think I’m going to go guzzle two full cups of water and see if that helps. I am planning to head back to my sister’s in another couple hours, then to a meeting. I will refuse offers to go out and eat after the meeting. Well either that or just go out and have a salad like the other time. We’ll see…

So… I’ve alluded to the fact in a recent post that I was in the hospital last week because of dangerously high blood pressure. Here’s the story. Brace yourself, it’s a long one. It’s a pretty ugly story that gets beautiful and hopeful at the end.

I’d like to state up front that some of what I am about to tell has to do with hypnosis, new age stuff, past-life regression, the subconscious, etc, so if you are offended over this type of thing, don’t read on!

So you all are probably wondering what led my blood pressure to skyrocket to astronomical heights and why I went to the ER. I’ve decided to be honest and come clean, instead of glossing some details over as I’d originally intended to do. As some of you know I’ve recently been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Some of you also know that I’ve struggled with alcoholism and binge-drinking over the past three years. (If anyone had any doubts about that, read some of my entries from a couple years back when I’d talk about it a lot more! I had stopped mentioning it here because I had fooled myself into thinking that since I had longer periods of sobriety, I was ‘all better’ from it.) I’d had some pretty decent sober time on and off for the past year since leaving the AA program in January ‘09. I would be sober for a while, then ‘let loose’ some nights and drink, but it never got as bad as it did back in 2008.

However, two weeks ago, recent stressful events, coupled with a bit of depression and nonstop OCD behavior and what they call “stinkin’ thinkin”, along with my own self-destructive tendencies led me to one of the worst binge-drinking episodes I’ve ever had. Usually when I would binge-drink, I’d do it for one or two nights (I was never an all-day drinker except during occasional benders during my bad alchy days), have a hangover the next day and just get on with life. But this time, it was worse. A LOT worse. I pretty much drank from Thursday of two weeks ago (March 18th) until Saturday morning of the 20th, on and off – EVEN during the day. Why, you ask? Well, life had just gotten me down, I was fed up, lonely, miserable. Plus the above reasons. True, I had been making amazing progress in therapy and hypnosis, as previously mentioned. I had gotten rid of my comfort-eating problem, did some past-life regression therapy and released some old energy that needed to come out, but still… my self-destructive tendencies remained. I was a lot happier and at peace with myself. I believe that horrible binge was a ‘last hurrah’ of sorts for my ‘dark side’. (More on that later).

They say that the journey to health and happiness and enlightenment is painful. Boy were they right. It truly is. It’s a painful journey filled with occasional pitfalls. It’s also filled with amazing joy and understanding. But it hurts to wake up. It hurts to heal. It hurts like hell at times to get better.

So, moving on… by the time Saturday of that week rolled around, it’s an understatement to say I was feeling pretty damn horrible. Actually, horrible doesn’t begin to describe the physical anguish I was experiencing, along with the mental stuff that comes along with alcohol withdrawal. I really had drank enormous quantities of liquor, and it’s a miracle I didn’t die from alcohol poisoning during that time. So, on Saturday the only way I knew to get rid of the crushing hangover was… you guessed it… to drink more. So I did. Sunday went by, and I started cutting back. However, I didn’t realize at the time that my blood pressure was already sky-high, although I had some sort of inkling, since it’s an issue I’d been working to correct through diet and exercise for some time now. (For the record, I had in fact lowered it to some extent in the last half year or so, but not enough).

So, Monday and Tuesday of last week came around, and I felt worse and worse physically. Something inside was screaming at me “get to the hospital! NOW!!!!” but I just didn’t want to. I didn’t want to go to a hospital and admit that I had been binge-drinking and that I was an alcoholic who had been on a bender, especially after some decent sobriety had passed and I thought I was OK. That takes a hell of a lot of guts to admit to anyone, and by golly, if I had nothing else, I had my stubborn pride. (And, of course, my self-destructive tendencies, which were gleefully standing by telling me I didn’t need no hospital dammit, I could handle it all on my own!)

Finally Wednesday morning rolled around and after two mostly sleepless nights, I woke up after about 2 hours sleep knowing something was really, really wrong. The vision in my right eye was blurred, I could barely open the eye. I put drops in it to no avail. My heart was pounding. I felt horrible doom and panic. I felt like I may have been having a stroke or something. And that inner voice (which I now recognize was both my ‘higher power’ and my ’spirit guide’ which some people also call a guardian angel) was screaming at me “get to a hospital, you will be OK. Just get to the hospital quickly.” I wasn’t saying it to myself, seriously, someone else was saying it to me. I’m not kidding. I finally obeyed the voice, after hopping in a shower and getting some stuff together, thinking they might throw me into a detox center. (Or a loony bin).

Funnily enough once I decided to go to the ER, the vision in my right eye cleared up so I was able to drive myself there. There’s a hospital literally less than a mile from where I live, so I went there. They admitted me and put me in a curtained room. The nurse took my blood pressure, and once she did her eyes opened wide with alarm. She said “You are to lay here and not move. Your blood pressure is off the charts. I’m glad you came in!” Before that point I was kind of calm, having used some breathing techniques I’d learned in hypnosis and therapy, plus using that ‘anchor’ technique, which has lowered my BP before. (An anchor technique is something you learn under hypnosis, where you imagine yourself in your happy/serene place, and you put your thumb and forefinger together. It works in real life situations to calm you down. I’d used it many, many times in the past few weeks).

Once the nurse told me that, however, I panicked full-on. She made me get into a gown and lay in bed. They inserted in IV (ouch!!!) and were planning to draw blood, plus get a urine sample. She didn’t want me getting out of bed to even walk to the bathroom for the urine sample. She wanted me to use a bedpan. I said “no way!” So, she left the room for a bit, and during that time, I decided to put into practice some other techniques I’d learned in hypnosis and therapy. First I used the anchor technique. Then while I was doing that, I did another technique, where I pictured myself in my ‘happy place’ (which for me is a beautiful outdoor place, with a gorgeous crystal-clear body of water surrounded by beautiful trees, mountains in the distance, green grass, birds chirping nearby and a gentle breeze moving the trees and grass.) Then I envisioned myself, and my ‘higher soul self’, and my ‘inner child’ all dancing together in that serene place, happy, carefree and joyful. (Another technique I’d learned during hypnosis that actually leaves me with the most amazingly happy and calm feeling ever). I held that scene in my mind for probably around 4 or 5 minutes, and suddenly, I felt myself relax back into the bed and felt absolutely serene and at peace.

I’m aware that some of you will find this absolutely ridiculous, but I’m telling you, the techniques worked like a charm to lower my BP. My blood pressure went from about 194/135 (or something around that number – can’t recall the exact reading) to 146/86!!! The nurse came back in, checked the latest reading on the BP monitor. I saw her eyebrows raise confusedly, and she ran the BP machine again. (By the way, the BP monitor hadn’t been malfunctioning because the original super-high reading had come through at two or three times – nowadays the machine automatically checks it every 15 minutes or so). I should have told her how I’d lowered my BP, but I didn’t.

Anyway, they ran a battery of tests and gave me a banana bag of fluids that they figured I was low on, gave me a shot of Ativan and an anti-nausea drug, and I was finally allowed to use the restroom (since I was no longer in danger of stroking out by just getting out of bed), plus they took blood, did an EKG and a chest x-ray. All tests except the blood work came back normal, thank GOD. The blood work showed high liver enzymes (but not dangerously high), but duh – of course they would be high, given the fact that my liver was trying to get rid of all that damn alcohol that had been coursing through my system for days. I had thought my kidney tests were bad, but I later found out they were normal. (A tiny bit on the low-functioning side for my age but still in the normal range). I’m going to go back for more tests in one month to make sure things are OK.

Anyway, to make the rest of this already mile-long story short, I finally got to see the doctor, and she prescribed me some Librium. She gave me instructions on how to take it and told me to stay on it for 2-3 weeks. It’s the same type of benzo that they give you in rehab, by the way. She gave me one refill on the prescription and told me to take it for up to three weeks, because even though withdrawals technically only last for around 7 days or so, you can get residual anxiety afterward that can (and often does) cause someone to go back out and drink again. So I’m following her instructions, although I only took the full amount I was supposed to for the first day, because it makes you a zombie. I’m now down (8 days later) to just taking one in the afternoon and one at night. I plan to do that for another week or so. Up until last night I was taking 2 per night before bed, and yes, while I’d sleep well, I’d wake up feeling like someone had beat me up during the night. (Not sure why or if that’s a side effect?) My entire body ached like crazy.

Anyway, this morning I woke up feeling a lot better. I don’t feel like I’ve gone ten rounds in the ring with a boxer. That’s definite progress.

So moving on to the good stuff… I was discharged that same day last week (Wed). Friday I had already planned an important hypnosis session with my therapist, and I was determined now more than ever to go through with it. See, whether you want to believe it or not, we all have our ’shadow’ or ‘dark’ side. You know, part of the subconscious side of us that often makes us do the self-destructive things we do. It’s just part of our human nature (until we learn to subdue it). I knew I had a very dark side, because for years and years I’ve been self-destructive in many ways. I’m not talking suicidal, but I mean things like: destroying relationships, eating badly, comfort eating, drinking booze, binge-drinking, not being able to stick to self-discipline to help myself get healthy, etc etc. Long list of things. We all do things to destroy little things about ourselves. Little things, sometimes big things. Unfortunately as human beings we are all born with this side, and in some people it’s stronger than in others, depending on various issues. So. I was eager for my session on Friday, and I made sure I took no meds that day before the session. (I didn’t want anything interfering with my mind).

I arrived at the scheduled 1pm time and we got right down to work. My therapist put me under, and once I was fully relaxed and under hypnosis, she invited my shadow/dark side to come out and speak. I also had to give it permission to come out.

And boy… did it speak. We allowed it to speak freely and it told us what it thought of me. (Basically, it’s hard to explain – this dark side is a part of us, but we can manage under hypnosis to separate it and let it speak for itself. Carl Jung gets into this in some of his writings). Anyway… I won’t get into full details about what it said, but basically it came out that I literally and utterly HATED myself. Hated myself. I thought I was cowardly, disgusting, pathetic, horrible, etc etc. I had plenty of absolutely terrible things to say about myself. While saying them, I could even feel my face grimacing while speaking about myself. (As I’ve mentioned before, when you are under hypnosis, you are fully aware of what’s going on. You become an observer, basically, of your subconscious self and thoughts. You can even interfere with what it’s saying, which is the ego, but I’ve learned through several sessions to completely ignore my ego and listen and work with my subconscious).

Up until that moment, I had HONESTLY thought that I loved myself! I knew that in the past I had gone through periods of self-hatred (after my car accident during PTSD and depression), but I had done a ‘4th step’ on myself back in early 2009 and honestly thought that I’d forgiven myself. Which, it turns out, I had forgiven myself for the accident. But there were much deeper issues in there that I despised about myself. And – here comes the new age PLR stuff that some of you likely don’t believe in – it was caused from past life happenings that I’d been carrying around.

So after we got that stuff out into the open, my therapist asked me to go back to a time when the feelings had begun. So my subconscious went back to a scene that I had seen in 2 other PLR sessions but prior to that day couldn’t figure out why. (I guess I wasn’t ready to deal with it). I had kept coming back to this woman with blue pants, standing in front of me yelling at me in 2 other sessions but could never hear what she was saying. Anyway, in this session I finally discovered that the woman in that life was a caretaker of mine – not a mother, but a relative – and she was screaming at me, telling me I was a burden on the family, that I was useless, awful, horrible, etc etc. I was a 7-year old girl at that time, so of course that was going to make a strong impression on my life.

So then the therapist asked if there was another time when these self-hating thoughts had started or begun. My mind took me back to another life. I won’t get into details about it, but during that lifetime, I had been a coward, a tyrant, treated people like utter garbage, and hated myself for it. (Obviously!) The day I had went back to in that life was the day of my death, and I was waiting in hiding in a cave-like dwelling for people to come and kill me. (And they did. I reenacted the scene quite impassively, as we usually do while under hypnosis). Very vivid images are still in my mind, but they don’t traumatize me in the least bit.

And after that, I recalled one more past life where I’d felt hatred or disgust towards myself. (More the latter in this particular life). It was way, WAY back a long time ago, probably back in ancient days, given the surroundings I was in. I won’t go into details because it’s kind of… personal. LOL to say the least.

Anyway, once this was all out, my therapist and I did some techniques where I took love and merged it with the hateful thoughts. There are several techniques, using my higher power (God) and my own higher self (my soul) that can relieve and once and for all release these horrible feelings and thoughts. And so, I did. I wish I could get into detail about what was done, but I honestly cannot remember it all at this moment in time. By the way, my therapist, as I may have mentioned, is very experienced in this type of stuff and she’s been doing this work for decades. I trusted her thoroughly, which is why I believe I allowed myself to do this kind of work with her. Not to mention I myself (my conscious self) was desperate for relief.

So………… (wow, this has been a long post). That session took about two hours, and by the time I came out of it, I swear, I felt the most AMAZING sense of inner peace and love that I have ever felt. I felt a huge sense of release. I felt like I could walk on air. I even cried from the sheer release and joy of it all. I had basically released inner feelings of resentment and anger I’d been carrying around through many, many lives. And having released my own self-resentment, I could finally release resentments towards other people that despite my best intentions, couldn’t get rid of (in some cases).

Upon leaving the therapy session, I immediately got on the phone with someone with whom I’d been fighting with over the stupidest thing ever and apologized to them. I came home and dashed out some emails of apology to people with whom I’d acted childishly and paranoid with over the past few weeks. I have made a couple of other phone calls to people with whom I plan to meet up with and apologize and make peace with – people that I’ve held an inner grudge towards for months now.

Here’s another miracle: I decided to start going to AA again (more on this later), and Saturday night, I came in contact with the main two people that I had resented (who were sort of the catalyst for my leaving that group, to an extent) back in January 2009. Both of them were at that meeting! If that isn’t fate, I don’t know what is! I hugged them both tightly, and all was well and good, and all past crap with them is gone. They were so happy to see me there and I was truly happy to see them and felt overwhelming love for them both. Both had tried to help me way back when and I, being my damaged self, couldn’t accept it.

So right now as I’m typing this, I can honestly and whole-heartedly say without a doubt in my mind, that I truly love myself, inside and out. My subconscious darkness and self-destruction has been laid to rest. Now, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to suddenly be perfect and do everything right. No no no. I have to learn good new habits. But I can now sit alone in my apartment, at ease with my own quiet thoughts. I don’t need the TV blaring anymore, I don’t need to be obsessively making lists, I don’t need to be worrying about this or that or if so and so likes me or hates me or if I’m going to lose the rest of this weight or if I’m going to stay sober or if… on and on, you get the point. Those inner thoughts have calmed down and gone away. For good. I will not allow them back. I have a positive mantra I say to myself every morning and night now, and truly mean it. I’ve also been meditating every single morning and plan to continue to do so indefinitely.

Now, if all of that isn’t good enough, I went for another session yesterday, where I asked to be placed under hypnosis again and be completely released from the rest of my bad habits – including my alcoholism. As you guys know I already released my comfort-eating habit through an aversion technique style of hypnosis. But the one she did on me yesterday was different, and much more powerful. I won’t and can’t get into details (not everything is retained in my conscious memory of it, unfortunately), but I am no longer an alcoholic. I released it. I SWEAR I felt my alcoholism leave and fly away during the session, it was a literal physical feeling. Can’t describe it, but the memory and feeling of release will stay with me forever. And she made other suggestions while I was under so that I will only make healthy food choices from now on, eat less, and that I will continue losing weight (another thing she hadn’t done prior to then).

Did it work? Will it work? Only time will tell… but I am 100% certain it will. I’ll keep you all updated on here.

So, that is my story. Thanks for being patient for those who were waiting to hear if I was OK. I’ve been running around with lots of appointments all week, some including therapy, the dentist, AA, and other things. I’m finally getting Invisalign sometime next month and am SOOOO excited!!!!!!!!!!!! And my front teeth currently look better than they have since I was 10 years old! (I chipped a front tooth back when I was 10, and over the years I’ve had caps put on that were never quite the right color to match the rest of my tooth. Right now, I have on a temporary crown that is one color and almost perfectly matches the rest of my teeth. The final crown will perfectly match my teeth, I went to a lab the other day that specializes in coloring).

To those of you who got to the bottom of this post and don’t think I’m a total loon or psycho, thank you. To those of you who got to the bottom of this post and think I am a loon, that’s OK. I don’t mind.

I’ll close this post in saying that I highly, highly recommend hypnosis to solve psychological issues, including addiction, depression, and other things. Why? Well, think about it: we’d like to be happy, right? People with addictions don’t want to be addicts, right? Our conscious selves don’t want to be that way at all! We want to be happy and healthy! But see, it’s part of the subconscious that drives our bad behavior and thoughts. That’s just the way it is. Willpower works to a certain degree to control it. But lots of times, it doesn’t. And hypnosis (and meditation) gets right to the core of the problem: the subconscious. Regular therapy treats the conscious mind, which doesn’t even make most of our decisions for us.

Doesn’t that make sense? I would just suggest that if anyone does decide to get into hypnosis, find someone who has been doing it for a long time and be prepared for possible follow-up appointments if you are dealing with severe issues. Have a session or two with the person/therapist so you can get to trust them. If you your subconscious doesn’t trust them, you it may not work with you as well as it could.

AND BY THE WAY, SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT I LEARNED ABOUT MY WEIGHT LOSS STRUGGLES: You all know how much I have struggled to lose every damn pound that I have so far. Other people lose weight 25 times easier than I did/do. And I finally learned why it has been so hard for me. It’s because of that inner self-destructive part of me that I had. It would sabotage every single thing I did, basically. Consciously, I was desperate to lose the rest of my weight and get healthy, vibrant and fit. But it had set me up to fail every time. So I did, except in the cases where my extreme efforts thwarted it). I know this now and I believe a lot of people who can’t seem to lose weight are probably struggling with the same issue.

OK, I’m done for now. Thanks for reading. I welcome feedback, even if it’s negative. (Well, so long as you are polite about it.)

Sorry I haven’t posted sooner… it’s been SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO busy these past few days.

I am doing fine. In fact, I had the most amazing experience of my life last Friday (two days after my hospital experience) that has changed my life hopefully forever. To make a long story short, it was during a powerful hypnosis session… I confronted my ‘dark’ side (and boy was it dark) and released it.

I’ll explain it all later… on my way out the door yet again!

Wednesday (not Thursday, as I’d originally posted!) of this week, I was admitted to the emergency room with the highest blood pressure that at least one nurse had ever seen. They wouldn’t even let me out of bed to go to the bathroom, at first. I could have had a stroke, and the high BP was affecting the vision in one of my eyes.

More on this story later… I’m running out the door, but I’ll be back to give more details!

Hey guys, I have to turn comments off on here again because for some reason this blog is getting attacked with massive amounts of spam. I’m not sure what is causing it or anything and the only way to deal with it for now is to turn off commenting.

It’s Saturday night… I’m staying in tonight! It’s been so cold around here lately. Last night and the night before were somewhere around 19 degrees. Tonight it’s supposed to get down in the 20’s. Anyway, I’m hanging out at home doing laundry, watching TV and puttering around the apartment.

I had a couple people request to see my updated Christmas decorations. My living room is done, but my dining area is only half done.

Here are the pics!

My coffee table

Christmas Village (added a few things)

Patio doors

My end table (I purposely blurred the pic of my niece for privacy reasons)

I’ve decided I have had it with my camera phone. I’m going out tomorrow to buy a new digital camera. Nothing fancy, but something that takes decent photos and videos!

In other news, I’ve been feeling better throughout the day. So far all I’ve had to eat today is some veggie soup, some pineapple, and a couple servings of that sprouted whole grain pasta. I’ve found if you add the teeniest bit of olive oil while it’s cooking, it tastes even better! And I’ve had at least 4 tall glasses of water. Not sure what dinner is yet. Maybe more soup.

… my hair has FINALLY stopped coming out/shedding! I don’t know if it’s due to the colder weather or the new potent raw food vitamins I’ve been taking though.

All I know is that I’m relieved!

I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I weighed myself this morning, thinking that I’d lost more weight due to being sick.

No.

I weighed an even 150 this morning.

Is that darn last ‘overweight’ pound ever going to officially come off?!

Actually, I’m not depressed over it. I ate a lot of salty crap last night (Friday). My newest favorite pair of jeans are already slipping down my hips. I’m quite sure I’ll see the difference on the scale VERY soon…

These are the Swine flu symptoms, according to this site:

* fever
* unusual tiredness,
* headache,
* runny nose,
* sore throat,
* shortness of breath or cough,
* loss of appetite,
* aching muscles,
* diarrhea or vomiting.

I have had nearly every single one of these symptoms for the past few days. (Except not much of a runny nose and only a slight sore throat). But everything else? Check. The shortness of breath is really unpleasant. I especially notice it while talking on the phone.

I guess I might actually have the Swine Flu. (No way am I going to the doctor to sit in the waiting room and be surrounded by other sick people to find out). I’m just going to keep riding it out. However, it should be over soon. I hope.

The oddest thing about it is that for a flu, it’s rather mild. I had a worse flu back in 1998 (or 1999).

After several weeks of blurry vision and burning eyes, I am super-excited to announce that I now finally have clear vision again – even with my glasses. A few hours after taking my first dose of antibiotics, I noticed my vision get a little clearer. Then after my 2nd dose (about 2 hours ago) my vision became sharp. I am so excited to be able to see again!

Does this mean I also had an eye infection, I wonder?

Anyway, I am nearly done packing. I have 43 boxes (yep you read that right) of stuff! I will be getting up around 6am tomorrow to finish the odds and ends that are left, plus do some cleaning and take out several bags of garbage. My younger sister, her daughter and their puppy are coming over to help out and keep me company while the movers load the truck.

I will probably update tomorrow night from my mini laptop internet connection, since I won’t have my cable and high-speed internet hooked up until Monday evening.

Here’s a photo I took today of my new whirlpool tub, which is located in the master bathroom:

I can’t wait to soak away all of my moving aches and pains!

Earlier today at my appointment, my blood pressure was through the roof and they were concerned. So I really need to concentrate on relaxing as soon as possible. And no more salty take-out. I was good today and only had fruit and yogurt.

Anyway, I doubt I’m making much sense at this point. The Vicodin is kicking in and it’s time for bed!

Moving is stressful enough, but add in a tooth infection and antibiotics (and painkillers) and you have yourself a rollicking, rip-roaring good time.

I decided to put my moving checklist into a separate post. I will be keeping track of the tasks that need accomplishing on here and will cross things off as I finish them!

Moving Checklist:

• Finish packing kitchen
• Finish packing bedroom
• Finish packing computer room
• Organize and pack magazines and mail on entry hallway table
• Organize and pack magazines and mail sitting on dining room table
• Pack bathroom stuff
• Clean bathroom
• Throw out the rest of the magazines under coffee table
• Finish organizing and packing stuff in hall closet near door
• Pack stuff in hall closet in hallway
• Pack items in dining room cupboard
• Finish packing items in bedroom closet
• Wash load of whites
• Wash load of colors
• Get keys to new apartment

May as well keep track of what I’m eating today, too!

Food So Far Today (Friday):

• Green smoothie (pineapple, baby greens, cantaloupe, frozen banana)
• 1 apple, 1 pear, pineapple chunks
• Take out (veggie burger, mashed potatoes)

Food So Far Today (Saturday):

• Apple
• Pineapple
• Yogurt

This will probably be the last post I do until the actual day of the move (Sunday). But feel free to check back often, I’ll be keeping this post updated regularly!

Ugh, I’m soooooooooo tired of packing already! I’m currently working on kitchen stuff. Almost done with it (for now) but damn am I tired of boxes and packing tape and newspaper already. My body is tired and aching today from constant lifting, stretching, bending down, getting on my knees, etc. (A good ache though).

I’m in a quest to try and finish as much stuff in my fridge as possible before the move, so I’m going to be eating a lot of fruit today. I’ve already had a green smoothie for breakfast, made with mixed baby greens, pineapple, frozen bananas and cantaloupe.

I got on the scale this morning and wasn’t too happy with what I saw. It seems I gained a couple of pounds back. Probably because I’ve been stress and convenience-eating the past couple of days. I may also be PMS’ing, though truth be told I never really know when I am anymore. I’m not one of those girls who pay attention to the dates.

Wow… I can’t believe I’m moving in 2 days! I can’t wait to get into the new place!

Moving Checklist:

• Finish packing kitchen
• Finish packing bedroom
• Finish packing computer room
• Organize and pack magazines and mail on entry hallway table
• Organize and pack magazines and mail sitting on dining room table
• Pack bathroom stuff
• Clean bathroom
• Throw out the rest of the magazines under coffee table
• Finish organizing and packing stuff in hall closet near door
• Pack stuff in hall closet in hallway
• Pack items in dining room cupboard
• Finish packing items in bedroom closet
• Wash load of whites
• Wash load of colors

Sheesh, I have way too much to do still!

Today was an unusual day. First off, I began feeling exhausted and achy around early afternoon (1pm), so I went back to bed. I slept fitfully and had some very strange dreams and finally got back up at 8pm! Which means that I’ll now be up all night.

I am also in a strange frame of mind. I’m excited that Fall is here – it’s finally cool outside! I can literally feel Fall now, if that makes sense. Fall has been one of my favorite seasons since living in New England seven years ago. Right now I am longing to be in New Hampshire, when the air gets cold (not bitter cold), the sky turns this incredible beautiful blue color in the evenings, and the leaves start changing.

Anyway, since I now have many many hours stretching out before me, I can get some stuff done. Here’s what is on my agenda for tonight:

• Pack up my magazines. I have hundreds of magazines stacked in various places in my computer room and living room. Some of them I’ll be taking with me in the move (the really good fashion magazines); the rest (tabloids and diet/fitness mags) I’ll be throwing away. I’m halfway done with this project already.
• Drink wheat grass juice.
• Start packing up my computer room and living room.
• Watch last night’s Gossip Girl (which I DVR’d), plus tonight’s Melrose Place and 90210 (also DVR’d, I rarely watch the shows live anymore because of commercials!)
• Make some green juice or a green smoothie. I need to start doing this daily again.
• If there is time, start organizing my entry-hall table, which is currently stacked to overflowing with magazines and mail. A true mess if there ever was one.
• Do some internet work on various sites.

I just realized that Desperate Housewives 6th season starts this Sunday night, which is the one night I won’t have any access to TV or streaming internet. Damn!

I had my salad and yogurt tonight when I got up and for some reason I don’t feel all that well physically. Perhaps I’m fighting something off? That’s why I’m going to drink the wheat grass juice.

Anyway, back to work…