So, although I just updated a couple hours ago, I figured I should update again and be a little more thorough. I kind of just glossed things over in that last post.
The real truth is that for the past few days, I’ve been suffering from some pretty moderate depression. I won’t say ‘major’ because I was nowhere near suicidal or anything like that, just had no energy and didn’t want to do anything. To the point where I sleep a lot, don’t want to get out of bed or off the couch. It’s an effort just going to my computer to do work. I still forced myself to exercise a few days this week though and I’ve been attending AA meetings almost every day. (The days I don’t go, I speak to my sponsor and other people from the program to keep myself accountable and will sometimes meet up with them at night for dinner or something).
Anyway, I had a psychiatrist’s appointment this morning (that I left for right after posting the below entry). I told him flat-out that I’m not willing to go on any ‘regular’ meds, anti-depressants, opiate blockers, etc. I told him about my issues of coming off the Librium and was honest about everything. He knew my history since he works out of the same facility that I go for counseling and psychotherapy at.
Anyway, it ended up being a great session, he is really cool – unlike the last psychiatrist I saw, which was back in 2008. (Note that I said ‘psychiatrist’ instead of ‘psychologist’ – the ones that prescribe meds for the most part). I also told him about how I’ve been unable to control my appetite lately and partially blamed PMS. Anyway, he suggested I try a certain drug that is used for a wide variety of things – one that is non habit-forming, but can treat things like anxiety, cravings, excessive appetite, migraine headaches and even seizures. After some thought I decided to try out this medication, and he prescribed me a month’s worth. I’m a little hesitant to say which drug it is here, but if anyone is curious, you can email me and I’ll tell ya. (Or just ask in the comments if you want to know and I’ll reveal it). Anyway, the #1 side effect of this particular medicine is weight loss. It also reduces cravings for alcohol and drugs and such and relieves anxiety, so those are all major pluses. He gave me a very low dosage too, and if I don’t like it, I can easily stop taking it. I’ve decided to give it 2-3 weeks. The dosage is one per night before bedtime since it can cause drowsiness at first. (*See update at end of this post).
He also said that [unfortunately] mild to moderate depression, anxiety, brain fog and other issues are very common for the first six months after being off alcohol. So I may have a while to go before I feel ‘normal’, whatever ‘normal’ is. The depression and lack of energy thing will pass. PMS is largely to blame right now too, but it should be passing within another day or two.
I’ve learned that my darn nervous system is shot to hell from binge-drinking for those few years. Binge-drinking and constantly stopping, then binge-drinking again is supposedly worse than just drinking every single day, as it’s harder on the nervous system to keep stopping and starting like I was. Sigh.
Anyway, I want to be more open and honest on this blog not only for my own good but because I’ve heard from others that they appreciate reading about my struggles, as many suffer the same or similar things. So here it is. I’m now on meds. I’ll update and let you all know how it works out. I’m going to abandon my super-strict diet plan for now and just try to keep eating as healthily as possible. Cutting calories to extreme levels won’t do me any good and I won’t be able to stick to it anyway!
*Update: I decided – after lots of internet research – NOT to take the drug he prescribed. Too many people struggle with bad memory, nightmares and other side effects while on the drug. I wish I would have looked the drug up online before getting the prescription filled! Eek.
by Rian on April 30, 2010
in Updates
TGIF!
I’ve been kind of taking a break from the internet this week. Still sober, still doing good, but just haven’t felt like updating here or anywhere else for that matter. PMS has been really hard on me this month too.
I’m also starting on a very strict diet for the next couple of weeks as one last-ditch attempt to lower my weight – and therefore my blood pressure so I won’t have to go on meds. My blood pressure seems to be running at the higher end of the ‘Prehypertension’ stage when I check it now. I have to lose probably around 10 pounds for it to go back down to normal. It’s been proving very, very difficult though for me to stick to a diet in the past week or so because of PMS and probably other factors like my sobriety. (I believe my body is still in the healing phases of recovery – I’ve also still been over-sleeping a lot).
So I’m making one last serious effort to drop 8-10 pounds in a short time… I am determined to lose the weight, and if it doesn’t work I’ll concede to going on BP meds. But I refuse to go down without a fight! 
Not much else to update… I’m still going to therapy, counseling and AA meetings. Still waiting for my Invisalign trays to be ready so I can start officially wearing them. Still waiting to feel ‘normal’ again! I’ve been diligently taking vitamins since getting those vitamin packs and drinking lots of water and getting plenty of sleep.
I had an absolutely amazing time last night… I haven’t laughed so much or so hard in so long! It was one of those nights that I won’t forget for a very long time. 
It truly was an evening filled with joy, love, laughter and fellowship. I was out until almost 2am though.
And unfortunately I woke up this morning coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose and aching all over. The cough was rather alarming, it felt as though I was coughing up parts of my esophagus or something. (Likely not though!!) Another cold? Allergies? Who knows? Who cares? I am too cheerful to care. Well, OK, the body aches are pissing me off, but what can ya do. I’m taking it easy today, no exercise. I bought some vitamin fizzy packs yesterday at Whole Foods – they are like the EmergenC packs but have more vitamins in them and no artificial stuff added. As soon as I took one yesterday evening I felt an incredible rush of energy. They have a high amount of Vitamin C, plus B-12, the electrolytes, minerals and some other vitamins. I can take up to 4 packs a day but I think I’ll stick with 2 for now. Don’t want to shock my poor body, it’s had enough of that lately. 
And yes, I know I’ve been sick a lot lately, but my immune system is shot to heck since I had to be on incredibly strong antibiotics several times already this year for sinus/tooth infections (for those who may be new to this blog). It’ll slowly work its way back up to normal. In the meantime, I have to take care of myself, something I do about only 75% of the time. (Healthy food, adequate rest, vitamins, exercise, etc).
However, I am now very dedicated to get to the healthiest body that I can, so I have a meal plan and schedule all prepared for this coming week (starting tomorrow). It includes my bedtime and ‘get up’ times, prayer and meditation times, 2 vitamin packs and 10 glasses of purified water and a healthy and well-balanced 1200-1350 calories per day. Plus 30 minutes of exercise on any day that I feel up to it. I’m going to stick to the plan as much as possible but if I mess up I’m not going to beat myself up over it. As for blood pressure, still haven’t checked it. Perhaps tonight I’ll stop by Walmart and take a quick reading. Gulp.
I am still marveling at the slimmer figure I see in the mirror, but haven’t mustered the courage to get back on the scale. Thankfully the past two days of snack-fests didn’t seem to do any harm. In fact, my stomach is so flat right now (when sucked in and even AFTER my brunch of about 525 mixed calories) that I can’t believe it. Even not sucked in it isn’t bad!
However, I seem to be unable to really digest beans. Even after taking specific enzyme caplets to help, I end up gassy and having stomach/digestive discomfort. There, I said it. If legumes and beans are so hard to digest, are us humans really supposed to be eating them? Even though they are loaded with nutrition? I really do wonder…
Yesterday’s hypnosis & therapy session ended up lasting over 2 hours! And oh. my. goodness.
I was finally (with help) able to put the pieces of all my past live regression sessions together along with the memories and issues that have come up under hypnosis from this life. It all fits together like pieces in a puzzle and all makes sense. I’ve learned what I needed to learn from those 5-7 lives I’ve recalled. And I’ve realized what main issues (for now) I’m supposed to be working on in this life. Interestingly enough I’ve already taken care of a couple of them.
Plus I learned a few other helpful things. Released some more past pain and ‘bad’ feelings. Got some perspective on current life stuff going on. And more. And more.
It’s way too much to type out here and too personal anyway. Oddly enough a lot of it has to do with power and lack thereof. And what I did with the major power I was given in at least one life (and unfortunately abused it), and how in several subsequent lives I was powerless over my grim circumstances and/or a victim. I was at one point in this life in the same situation with a guy but managed to get out. And I learned that was a major accomplishment for me. (Funny how at the time it felt like a huge accomplishment and huge thing but I didn’t at the time understand why. Now I do).
Anyway I know I have a lot more to learn and that there is a lot more to it all than what I’ve typed above, but I am incredibly grateful for what I’ve learned (and remembered) so far. It’s pretty amazing to be at a point in my life where I understand where I am and why. And why I’ve gone through what I have so far.
Anyway, moving on… I picked up a 30-day sobriety chip from AA last night. It was nice to get one. And damn did I earn it! Not one drop of alcohol has passed through this body in 30 days. (Well, 30 1/2 days now). Back in 2008 when I got a couple of 30-day chips, I had cheated and ’slipped’ a couple times in the month without telling anyone. I’d always end up going on a bender and admitting it later. But this time it is most definitely real.
I woke up today so extremely tired that I could have slept all day. I had to literally force myself to exercise. I’ve been super-hungry and have been snacking a lot the past couple of days. My body is literally screaming for protein right now, too. I need to up my protein and vitamin intake. I know, same old story. The problem is actually doing it. I should be craving sugar right now according to most people, but I’m not – I’m craving protein and fat again. Grr.
Oh well. I hate taking vitamins, they always have some sort of unpleasant effect. Or no effect at all.
Thank GOD it’s Friday!
This will be a quick post, as I’m off to do a PLR/hypnosis session with my therapist in a few minutes.
I got on the scale this morning and it tells me that – despite the fact that my clothing is literally falling off me, and despite the fact that I can see more of my neck, chin and stomach than I have in quite some time (that had been formerly covered in excess flesh/fat) – that I’ve gained 2.6 pounds.
Huh?
Oh well. Who cares at this point? Well, OK, I do, but not so much. I look good and feel good.
Haven’t checked my BP for since the last time I updated about it. It turns out I had to come off the Librium a bit more slowly than I’d intended, had to halve then third the dosage. Turns out that coming off roughly 50mg of Librium (25mg every 12 hours) after 3 weeks isn’t as easy as one would think. Once I got down to the ‘take one (25mg dosage) every 48 hours’ stage, I started getting panic attacks, shakes, etc.
Yeah, I guess my nervous system is shot to hell.
So after three times of that happening after roughly 46-48 hours of my last dosage, and a few panic attacks and freak-outs – one which happened in my psychotherapist’s office (and she had me just take one right then and there, thankfully I had some with me) – she told me to start halving the dosage in order to wean. Duh, I should have thought of that. How does one ‘wean’ themselves if they are taking the same amount, even if it is spaced out more and more apart? Anyway, so I started halving it, which involves me opening up the damn caplet, pouring the powder onto a cutting board and scraping half of it into a juice drink to take. Yeah, makes me feel like a druggie cutting up lines or something! Ha. (Which by the way I’ve never done). So now I’m down to taking 1/3 of one 25mg pill every 36 hours. That’s only roughly 8mg of the drug, so hopefully after one more dosage I can just stop altogether and not have any bad side effects.
Damn benzo’s. They sure can be a help in coming off alcohol and with anxiety, but are a bit*h to come off of, just like someone said in a recent comment on here.
Anyway, I’m off to my appointment… I’ll update here later if anything interesting comes up in the session!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I’m tired. Apparently I need to get some more nutrition in me.
I’ve been doing a little trick (that’s working) to make sure that I don’t gain any weight, plus (hopefully) continue losing now that my appetite has come roaring back: I don’t eat past 4 or 5pm. I have decided I can eat what I want (within reason), but past 4 or 5pm, no more – except fruit and/or veggies. (I’ve been having a little fruit bowl when I go out with friends in the evening, but it probably doesn’t amount to more than 100 calories or so if that).
For now it’s the only way I can make sure I don’t gain additional weight – and continue slowly losing – while my appetite levels itself out. I’m back to exercising, too.
It’s 11am and to be honest, I haven’t eaten a thing since yesterday around 4pm. (I woke up late today). No wonder I’m still tired. Time to go grab a healthy breakfast/lunch!
I’m in the process of nailing down a doctor and/or psychiatrist to discuss my options for the blood pressure situation. We’ll see how that goes. I’m still terribly reluctant to go on anything. Still hoping weight loss and exercise will do the trick.
We shall see…
by Rian on April 20, 2010
in Updates
Well I found the juice fast impossible. I’m just too damn hungry to fast. I’m craving major carbs, protein and fat right now anyway, so apparently my body needs them. (Of course, if my body craved sugary junk food, I could probably rationalize that it needed that, too, so who the heck knows?) Haha. Anyway, I’m currently forcing a black beans & brown rice dish down my throat at the moment for some complete protein. I’m having a kid-sized organic mac & cheese dish with it (1 serving of it at 375 cals, not bad). I’d have a raw veggie salad with it but I have plans to go out later and don’t want to have any ‘digestion distress’ if you know what I mean. (Beans and raw veggies? A recipe for disaster, even though I do have some digestive enzymes I’m going to take). 
So I guess I’ll save the veggies for later tonight when I get home.
Not much else to say right now… I’m still truckin’ along! LOL, which reminds me, this new friend I recently made has a strong Oklahoman accent and I’ve begun picking up on it. So I’m starting to pick up the accent along with the phraseology. It’s just something I do automatically, I can’t help it, I always pick up both when I’m amongst people who speak differently than I do. When I spent time with people in So Cal who spoke with broken English accents, I started to do the same (and not on purpose, it’s just one of those things that my ears pick up on and emulate). So if you guys start seeing me typing things like “I’m fixin’ to do this or that” or “Hey ya’all”, don’t be surprised. 
Oh wait, I already say “Ya’all”. Eek.
Anyway, I’m fixin’ to go eat the rest of my lunch, work out, shower, get dressed and get a little more work done. Then head out around 7pm.
Later update: The beans and rice were surprisingly satisfying and satiating and I only had 1 1/2 serving of it. Perhaps that’s all my body really needed – some complete protein!
Well the blood pressure update isn’t the best of news. I was off my anxiety/bp meds for approx. 46 hours, had just done a very calming meditation/hypnosis with my therapist, then went to take my blood pressure at Walmart.
The first reading was 141/90. 
The second reading – after sitting there calmly and taking a couple of deep breaths and relaxing for a minute or two, was 137/86.
Neither reading is good. The first reading is “Hypertension Stage 1″, and the 2nd (which I actually trust more since I had just been walking quickly across the store) is “Prehypertension”. 
Sigh. And this is AFTER 26 (now officially starting 27) days of sobriety. AND losing some weight. I wonder if I should go on some sort of fruit juice fast and take off a couple more quick pounds? Hmm…
Anyway, I am seeing that psychologist who runs the Intensive outpatient program on Wednesday and I’m going to ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist. Or look up a doctor. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Perhaps I can give it a little more time, but I refuse to continue to put my health at jeopardy by having even a slightly high blood pressure for much longer. I think I’ll try going on a fruit juice fast for a day or two or something.
Other than all the BP stuff, it was a fabulous day today! It’s 1:45am and I should have been in bed hours ago, but I had such a fun and also enlightening evening that I just couldn’t force myself to come home earlier. Hopefully I can drag my bottom out of bed at a decent hour tomorrow morning.
I’m doing a lot better! No longer depressed. Thankfully that passed the very night that I typed up that post. Went to a meeting, spilled my guts and got lots of support. Since then I’ve been pretty cheerful for the most part!
I’ve been back in one of those ‘not in the mood to post’ moods. Not to mention I’ve been keeping myself pretty busy lately, so there have been fewer updates around here. Yesterday was a wonderful day, not only did I get to spend alone time with my 11-year old niece (which is rare), but I got to spend time with my sister, see my favorite doggy in the world and spend time at the bedside of a dying woman. I know some people think death and dying is morbid and horrible, but personally I find it a privilege to comfort and/or spend time with someone who will soon be ‘on the other side’. I stroked the woman’s hand and hopefully was able to comfort her a little.
I’ve also made a new friend in the program and have been hanging out with her a bit.
Anyway, I’m still sober, but I probably won’t be talking much more about my alcoholism recovery on this site. I prefer to keep that part of my life private (on this blog anyway) since I talk about it enough at meetings and such. So you guys probably won’t see many more posts mentioning it, except only occasionally, or in passing. That doesn’t mean I’ve gone back to drinking though. I have a sponsor and am starting the 12 steps plus still working with my therapist and another drug/alcohol counselor. I believe I will be just fine.
I’m pretty much off my anxiety meds now and have had little to no trouble falling asleep at night, which is fab! And no signs of physical anxiety symptoms. I will be taking my BP later today or tonight… I’ll post the results here. My main physical complaints these days is some sort of esophageal distress (not heartburn, something else and something I need to probably see a doctor about though). More on that later. And I still get exhaustion from time to time. Overall though I’m feeling pretty ‘normal’ and that’s great!
Diet-wise, my appetite has ‘come back’. But everyone is saying I look thinner. I am thinner. I’ve lost more weight, I just don’t know how much because I keep forgetting to get on the scale. I’ll get on one day soon.
by Rian on April 16, 2010
in Updates
TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m tired and depressed.
Will snap out of it shortly though as I always do!
Be back to update soon.
(And yep, still sober).
