January 2010

Yawwwwwn. I’m tired. Was up at 6:30am this morning (a bit early for me, especially considering I went to bed around midnight). My psyche appointment was moved from tomorrow to this morning because we are supposed to get some bad winter weather starting tomorrow morning (sleet and freezing rain, oh joy!) I’m making green tea now, that should help with this sleepiness.

I really do like my new psychotherapist. She is more knowledgeable than me in psyche and personality/behavior issues, which is important. Yes, I have had therapists who weren’t. Yes, I’m aware that this makes me sound like an utter snob. (I’m really not one, I just have high standards for certain things and this is one of them). She not only listens, but asks questions that make me think, and gives good advice and helpful suggestions.

Speaking of which, diet stuff is still going VERY well! I’m still sticking to the ‘low carbs at night’ thing and it’s still working. I have managed to refrain from comfort eating at night, which is great! Truth be told I’ve had such a light appetite at night now that some nights I eat only a couple of things instead of my previously planned two meals. Bad, I know, but I do make sure to get some veggies and/or greens in there. (I’m currently addicted to spinach in the worst way). I’ve snuck in a couple of more sugary unhealthy things in with my morning meals, but it hasn’t seemed to affect my weight loss or appetite. I do believe it’s sending my blood sugar a bit haywire though.

I’ve had a couple of ‘night comfort eating’ temptations – last night they were particularly strong – but I have managed to get through them. Sometimes you just have to take the bad emotions and let them out. Last night I did this. I felt a wave of that familiar anxiety/irritation come on. Instead of reaching for potatoes, macaroni and cheese, the phone to order enchiladas or for my car keys to head to the liquor store, I sat on my couch in silence and just dealt with it. It was uncomfortable and un-fun but after about 20 minutes I was OK. You get to a point and realize “OK, this sucks, and hey, I feel like crap, but now I can start feeling better. I will always feel better. It always gets better.” It works!

I can fit back into the jeans I was getting into before I gained the weight back. Still haven’t weighed myself – I intend to in a few more days.

Anyway, I had some amazingly bizarre but good dreams last night. Ever since the regression sessions, I’ve been dreaming a lot more vividly. It’s to the point where when I’m tired or relaxed enough, I can lay in bed and have dreams while I seem to be technically awake (with my eyes closed of course). Almost like lucid dreams but a bit different. I’ve even had more memories of the two past lives I recalled.

Ugh I am SO fighting the temptation to go back to bed, although it’s 11:40am already. This is one of the downfalls of working from home. Self-discipline is necessary. It’s too easy to fall into bad lazy habits.

I have to head to the store for a few things since I may be stuck inside for the next couple of days. We are supposed to get bad ice/sleet storms. They don’t do much of anything to the roads here so it will be treacherous to drive.

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

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I woke up an even smaller waist and tummy this morning, which is always pleasant to see.

Today’s first breakfast was a large white grapefruit, which I absolutely adore. We had a white grapefruit tree at the very back of our property in the house I grew up in. Technically it was in the back neighbor’s yard, but about 45% of the tree spilled onto our property. The neighbors never seemed to pick the grapefruits on their side so obviously they didn’t care if we grabbed the ones on our side. Anyway, it pains me to remember all those wasted grapefruits on the ground, rotting… shoot, I’d be thrilled if I had a grapefruit tree around here that I could eat from. Oh well!

My second fruit/carb meal is going to be mango, plus one serving of whole wheat sprouted grain pasta. (Eating the mango now, mmmmm, about to make the pasta). I got up around 10:00 today. Ended up going to bed around midnight but talked on the phone to my friend in Missouri until 1am. I seem to be catching up on lost sleep lately and have been getting around 9 hours a night.

Upon waking today I had absolutely no appetite. It’s funny because this happened the last time I cut carbs at night – I ended up slipping into ‘total low carb’, because when I would wake up the next morning I still wouldn’t be hungry, so I’d wait hours and hours to eat and then it would be too late to eat my carb meals. I don’t want to do that this time, I absolutely will not give up my fruit in the early part of the day.

Thanks to those of you who emailed me nice comments about my post last night! I’m rather surprised that people are already reading this since I haven’t announced anywhere or to anyone that this blog is active again. Upon checking my web stats I notice that people were coming here to entire time, especially a dedicated few who seem to come here multiple times a day.

I’ve spent the last few days and evenings with family, which was really fun. My niece turned 11 years old and we celebrated it both Thursday and Friday. My sister’s dog – the supercute pit bull puppy that I post pictures on Twitter of is getting bigger and bigger. She’s so hyperactive! Every time I go over to visit, she literally pounces on me and covers me in slobber and kisses. She’s such a sweetheart but I end up covered in bruises and scratches because she is getting a lot heavier, plus my sister hasn’t trimmed her nails in the front. (Ouch!)

Speaking of which, I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older or what, but lately it seems I have felt more and more love for animals, and they seem to feel the same way towards me. Especially dogs. Random dogs have been coming up to me, even dogs who are being walked here in my apartment complex try to run over to me (even when I’m sitting in my car!) I think it’s funny and so sweet although a little puzzling.

Anyway, I’m off to go finish making my pasta. Today will probably be very low key. Sunday is a day I like to try and stay away from the internet as much as possible. So far today I haven’t succeeded!

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So where to start…? This post is long. Anyone who makes it to the end gets a prize! (Just kidding).

It’s been an interesting six weeks since I have been away from this blog. One thing I’ve learned in this time is that I’ve been way too hard on myself in recent years. Somehow I let all the negativity and societal expectations get to me and it got ingrained within my mind. Although I had changed my outside (conscious) thinking towards the ‘positive’ several months ago, I obviously still had negative subconscious thoughts about my body, weight and other things.

I decided to make 2010 the year that I ‘get better’ in many ways. I did a LOT of soul-searching in the past couple of months and came to the conclusion that I needed some sort of help, because I was stuck in some bad patterns that I couldn’t figure out how to change. One major issue is the night comfort-eating. I’ve mentioned it on here before – you know, the cheese enchiladas, potatoes, macaroni and cheese, etc. Around the holidays it got to the point where I had a hard time not eating this stuff most nights. And my weight crept back up several pounds. I lost some weight in December, but then it went back up a few again.

I knew intuitively that something was wrong. I mean for crying out loud, I know what to eat. I know what foods have nutrition in them. I know which foods I should avoid or eat lightly. But somehow I couldn’t make myself eat the right things. I was beating myself up because I figured it was simple willpower that I lacked. (Turned out it wasn’t).

This led me to seek out psychotherapy to see why I always wanted to eat comfort food at night. So I am now seeing a psychologist. If I said the name of the place I’m going, many people would recognize it because it’s a major eating disorder mental health chain. (They treat other mental issues too). But anyway. My first session was rather enlightening. The woman listened attentively and offered some suggestions as to why I have this problem. Most of what she said makes sense! (I’ll get into details at a later time. It has to do with my ’stressful’ childhood afternoons and evenings as a child of alcoholic parents). Apparently I also have somewhat negative habits and attitudes. So I’m going to see her for a while and hopefully learn ways to change these issues.

Moving on… now hang onto your hats, because in the past several weeks I also decided to see a hypnotherapist. Yes, folks, it’s true. I’ve become all “New Agey” and stuff. I went from being a non-denominational Christian to now believing extremely strongly in New Age stuff, peppered with a bit of Christianity and Eastern Religions. I now believe in past lives, reincarnation, psychics, karma, healers, spirituality, meditation, etc etc. This transition, by the way, took just over a year. I started it back in December 2008. (Long story that I didn’t really touch on much in this blog.)

So, these new beliefs led me to seek out a hypnotherapist and undergo two past-life regression sessions. (I have a third one coming up in another couple of weeks). Yep, some would call me crazy. But I have to say honestly, the sessions have cured me of: insomnia and sleep problems (which I’ve suffered from horribly for years now) and the very annoying and uncomfortable pain/pressure that appeared behind my left eye and face for years. Not only that, but now I know (at least partially) why I felt like a ‘victim’ for most of my life.

I won’t get into details about the sessions because it’s personal; however, if you are really interested and want to know more, simply email me at the contact email listed on the skinny website. A miracle occurred after doing the sessions: See, I have had this weird pain/pressure behind my left eye and on the left side of my face that would creep up more and more often in recent months. It started many years ago. Eye doctors and regular docs didn’t know what caused it. I gave up on trying to find out the cause and just lived with it. It wasn’t excruciating, just really annoying and uncomfortable. Anyway, during the first past-life regression session not only did I learn what caused it, but I managed to release the pain/discomfort once and for all. And I haven’t felt the pain since. A true miracle since it had plagued me more and more often lately.

(I should mention at this point that I didn’t seek out the hypnotherapy to find an answer to that pain; I looked into it for completely different reasons and wasn’t even thinking about it when I arrived there).

Going under hypnosis, I might add, is rather interesting. Very relaxing. You are aware the entire time. My body gave off lots of heat and energy the entire time I was under.

I’m not exactly sure why my insomnia and ‘fear of falling asleep’ went away, but I am SO grateful it did. There was nothing that came up during the sessions (from the two past lives I saw) that caused it, but ever since completing the second session, my sleep has been more normal than it’s been since 2002. I’ve also had a great sense of calm, peace, happiness and well being.

All I can say is, this stuff is real, and I am living proof.

Anyway, onto diet stuff… so, even after the sessions (psychotherapy and past-life regressions), I still kept eating comfort food at night even though I felt better in many ways. Still craved it like crazy when I didn’t eat it. But somewhere early last week, it suddenly hit me: Duh. I know how to fix this issue! I crave salt, fat and cheese at night, right? So why don’t I let myself have that stuff, only in a ‘low carb’ kind of way? (I lost 15 pounds in 1.5 months back in 2005 starting from a lower weight by cutting carbs from afternoon on!) Thankfully this thought hit me while I was in my car heading to the grocery store. So I stocked up on low carb stuff: salmon/fish, fake meats, veggies, salad, zero carb salad dressing, nuts, and seeds.

And I have to say, it was the best darn idea ever! Since that day I’ve been eating about 2 fruit or carb meals early in the day (having as much as I want), then 2 lower carb meals in the afternoon/evening. I allow myself cheese, nuts and seeds if I want them. (And fattening blue cheese dressing on my salad). Plus plenty of greens and veggies. Even some sugar-free fat free Greek yogurt.

And… drumroll please… within a couple of days on this plan, my night ‘comfort food’ cravings for high carbs vanished! In fact, my appetite has decreased so much that I barely want to eat anything at night now! I never thought I’d be a gal to enjoy fake chicken (the Quorn brand is pretty good!), but now I do. I like to put the fake chicken cutlets over salad and sprinkle on some dressing. I’ve been eating a lot of spinach and salad at night now. And the funniest thing of all – now that I am actually allowing myself cheese (the formerly forbidden but oh-so-craved food that I often indulged in), I want only very little of it at all! I cut myself a one or two-ounce serving and can barely finish it now.

Anyway, all this stuff is simply amazing! My dreams at night have been incredibly vivid, meaningful and interesting since the hypnosis sessions. Sleep has come easy for the first time in years (without self-medicating). My night time appetite has subsided. I can think very clearly and have made some goals for the year. Things are making more and more sense. I’ve learned some important things about myself that I cannot share here because they are just too personal and ‘out there’, but these days, I have an almost perma-smile on my face and much love in my heart. I have so much to learn because I am still stunted in certain areas of my life. But it’s OK. I have time. I’ll get there.

If you think I sound like some new-age nutcase, don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you.

Anyway, it’s 11:30pm… time to grab a book and go relax in bed! (I’ve also been reading voraciously over the past couple of months, mostly New Age/spiritual and speculation stuff).

P.S. I will change the site layout on here soon. Unfortunately I accidentally-on-purpose lost the old one.

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So, this site has been down since sometime last month.  I appreciate those of you who have continued to visit in that time.

I needed some downtime, to be honest.  I did a LOT of soul-searching in 2009.  And now, I have changed so much that I barely recognize myself.  (But it’s OK).

I can’t even get into all of the changes that have taken place within me in the past two months.  I’ll be posting about them in the next few weeks.

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