It’s Weird
May 19th, 2008 by Rian | Filed under Miscellaneous.It’s quite weird, but no matter what size I really am, I usually think of myself as the skinny, awesome-bodied girl I was most of my life. I had such a fabulous figure for slightly more than 10 of the 12 1/2 adult years I have lived that it is an image that’s hard to let go in my mind. I can’t seem to truly and realistically get it through my thick head that I NEED to lose weight. That I NEED to slim down and uncover my once killer body.
Some may call it Body Dysmorphic Disorder. But I call it a blessing… who the heck needs yet another obsession or reason to be mad at oneself?
Let me explain… I know this post is coming off very strangely. You see, I know I am still technically “overweight”. I know I don’t have that 26-inch waist that I had for many years. My upper arms and legs aren’t as slender and gracefully feminine that they were for those 10 years. Now, they are all covered in an extra layer or two of fat.
But in my every-day life, as I carry about my business, see friends, family, hang out, relax, have fun, etc, I’m not usually aware that my body is no longer beautiful. In fact, for reasons I don’t quite understand, it’s engraved in the back of my mind that my body is awesome. I look in the mirror and about 85% of the time don’t see those layers of fat.
But they are there. The scale tells me so. The size of clothing I have to purchase tells me so even louder.
Perhaps I am in denial about what I really look like?
Perhaps this is the reason I have found it so hard to really get rid of this extra weight?
Perhaps I am making excuses again? 
Perhaps I just no longer give a flying frig?
Perhaps I need to invest in florescent lighting and stand in front of a full-length mirror naked?
Anyway, this post probably won’t make very much sense to most of you. I guess what I am trying to say is that although I know intellectually that no, I am NOT slender and gorgeous, it just doesn’t matter much to me these days.
The truth of the matter is that I am undergoing a psychological, emotional and spiritual change in my life that is making all the stupid and meaningless stuff just not mean much anymore. Like… obsession with my weight.
I believe that as long as you are happy with yourself, that’s all that matters. Regardless of how you look, if you were lacking that confidence then you wouldn’t be happy - but look at you! You are self-confident, and I bet you have a rockin’ bod. Be happy, and enjoy life
Hi,
I stumbled on your blog, and I totally understand what you mean by this entry. I have had a similar experience lately; I moved to England and gained 15 pounds for no apparent reason I can pin-point. It’s probably a mixture of stress, anxiety and trying to diet but failing. Anyway, I know what you mean about being in denial about it. But to be honest, the more and more I try to come to terms with it, the more and more I just work myself up. Even though I was pretty slim before I gained the 15 pounds, and I still look pretty much the same, I’m in agony over it. But I’ve decided to make myself over rather than my weight. Like you said, a spiritual makeover makes you realize how stupid the weight stuff is. They’re all kind of combined. Anyway, I think the real thing here is to be happy and comfortable and maybe all the other stuff will follow? I’m not sure, but I’d rather do that than diet and work-out all the time. I used to be obsessed with it, and now I’m just trying to be happy.
Life is so much about perceptions, and the only one that really matters is your own. I wish we could all see ourselves as beautiful when we look in the mirror.
Hi Rian,
If you feel slim and fabulous, then you’re right - who cares if you are not AS slim as you are in your head. I always say - if someone does not like, they do not have to look. As long as you are healthy and fit. And for that latter purpose, I really recommend the macrobiotic diet. It also helps with blood sugar and energy levels A LOT. If you are ever interested, I can recommend you someone in the US.
If you need weight control/nutrition tips - I have plenty (like good internal cleanse, I will not list products here unsolicited), but I am sure you are already getting lots of unsolicited advice/product placement for that.
I agree - you will probably not lose weight if in your head you do not need to. I did not quit smoking until I realized that I really want to. Of course you do no NEED to lose weight. People have beautiful bodies in all shapes and sizes, just look at the comments on your own website. What I think everyone needs is to feel healthy and energized, because that makes the whole day better. I have a very busy lifestyle and am super happy to not have to deal with hypoglycemia anymore, for once…A good naturopath also helps.
Lili -
I’d really like some of those weight control/nutrition tips you were talking about. The big problem I seem to have with weight control is that the “standard” recommendations don’t seem to work for me…like eating 3 meals a day, exercising, watching what you eat. I swear I take real good care of my body, I’m a long distance runner, I stay away from sweets, alcohol and greasy stuff, I eat very consciously, yet I still gain weight if I eat more than 2 meals a day. Usually, I eat a healthy breakfast and a small lunch, and then I try like hell to stay away from “real food” for the rest of the day, and only eat fruit or drink water. This is the only way I can maintain my figure. If I actually followed nutritionists’ advice, I’d be gaining weight.
Rian, this entry also made a lot of sense to me. I have often been at a point where I had gained 5 or so pounds over the holidays, and as soon as I lost a pound or two, I’d think that I’m thin anyway and shouldn’t have to lose more, even though I really did. This kind of mentality can really warp your body image, it’s crazy. Glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.