OK, updating this site has become a bit of an obsession lately. What is up with that?! Oh well.

So I’m ashamed to admit this, but I had a bit too much to drink last night at the bar. Good thing I walked down there instead of drove (which I always do when I plan to drink). It started off good though. I had a grilled chicken dinner, which was really delicious and healthy. I had about half of the chicken breast, 5 forkfuls of rice and 1 forkful of green beans. That’s all I could manage to eat.

Then I had about three glasses of red wine (Cabernet Sauvignon, my current favorite). I played a few games of pool and was shooting pretty well.

Then my friend B came back to my house for a bit and I had more wine.

Then he left, and I got sick.

Ugh. I know, bad. Oh well. I’m not hungover at all though, as I drank plenty of water before going to bed.

So today’s agenda includes an AA meeting with a friend of mine (who I’m going with for moral support, but it certainly can’t hurt me, especially after last night!), a gym visit, a visit to the nail salon, a visit to the mall, and a visit to my cell phone provider (Sprint) for a new phone. I am finally going to get a really cool, top of the line phone like perhaps a Blackberry Pearl, T Wing (sp?) or something like that.

Correction: I’ll be doing all of this stuff, that is, if I can get my car out of my damn parking lot! It snowed like crazy last night, then rained freezing rain, then.. who knows what it’s doing out there now. My landlord is still holding a grudge over the fact that we didn’t move our cars and the parking lot has been an absolute NIGHTMARE of ice for the last couple of weeks. Hard, slippery and bumpy ice. I have to do special maneuvering just to get out of the lot every day.

So… I had a bowl of Special K protein cereal for breakfast already today. I will probably have a turkey sandwich, peach and side salad for lunch, WHEY protein after my workout, and who knows what else. My stomach doesn’t seem as “closed” today but my appetite is still lower than usual.

Today’s workout will be: 30 minutes of spinning and 40 on the elliptical. Next week I’ll start to use some of the other machines, like the treadmill again, the stair climber, and possibly the total body fitness thing.

On another topic, I’ll be in Boston most of tomorrow. I have a meeting with my lawyer and after that, B - who is coming with me - and I will be going shopping and probably go out to a nice dinner. I love Boston. I’m taking the Boston Express down there since I have no desire to get lost in Cambridge again, which tends to happen every time I drive down there. But I’m bummed because I won’t have time to go to the gym, unless I go late tomorrow night when I get home. However, I’ll get a lot of walking and stair-climbing in!

I only managed 20 minutes on the spinning machine and 30 on the elliptical. I was burned out today for some reason. Most likely it’s because of the eating thing. I’m still having problems eating much more than half a serving of anything. I had protein cereal for breakfast, 3/4 of a turkey sandwich for lunch (low cal bread, mustard), side salad with ranch dressing, then after my workout I had some cottage cheese and a delicious whey chocolate protein shake. It was absolutely sinful-tasting!

Now I’m off to go swimming in 6 inches of icy water/slush in my parking lot to see if I can get my car out… long story I won’t get into, but I couldn’t get it out earlier and missed most of the things I was supposed to do today.

I’ve been suffering from a severe lack of appetite the last few days. And it’s getting worse by the day!

The only way I’ve gotten enough calories is to have some full-fat cheese in the evenings.

This just doesn’t make any sense… I mean, if I don’t eat enough, then I won’t build muscle and my metabolism will stay sluggish.

Why am I so “not hungry”? I had to literally FORCE myself to eat enough calories to hit the gym later this afternoon. Cardboard would have been as pleasant to eat as my toast, peach and cottage cheese were this morning.

I can’t do this six meal per day thing. I’m not hungry. It’s painful to eat, in fact.

I don’t know what to do.

I managed to choke down a bit more food then hit the gym. It was awesome! I burned 350 calories on the spinning machine and elliptical. I worked up a sweat and my hearbeat actually wasn’t so ridiculously high this time. In fact, I had to work harder to get it up near the 70% training range. Yesterday it naturally was settling at 75% and I had to slow down a little.

I’m definitely feeling the burn right now.

As for food, I gagged down pan-fried turkey and veggies and had a green machine shake thing. I’m not sure what I’ll have for dinner, but I’m supposed to be going out to play pool tonight. So a couple of drinks will be in store for later.

And when I say things like “gag down” and “choke down” food, I mean it. My stomach does not want anything in it right now and hasn’t really for days now. Not sure why, but hopefully it’ll pass and I’ll develop a healthy appetite again.

Thanks for the comments - you guys made some valid points! I completely forgot that my TOM might be causing my appetite to be null and void.

How ridiculous is this though - an overweight girl complaining that she has no appetite and can’t eat? I mean, it’s pretty damn funny if you think about it. I really need to relax about this. I’m eating very healthy - lots of lean protein, veggies and fruit, plus working out now almost every day and taking vitamins and will start including a protein shake before workouts starting tomorrow. There isn’t much more I can do. So I’m going to relax.

So, onto my first day at the gym… I arrived with only about 45 minutes to spare for workouts, as I had an important conference call later in the day. But that is OK - I wanted to take it easy the first day and get a feel for my surroundings and the equipment there.

So I started on a LifeFitness elliptical (trainer?) machine, complete with TV and cable channel lineup. It was definitely a bit different than my own Horizon elliptical back in Tulsa. But I did it for 30 minutes, burned 232 calories - and that was on the LOWEST level. These newfangled machines keep track of your target heart rate, age, and weight. I worked out for the 30 minutes in the higher percentage of my target heart rate. I couldn’t figure out why my heart rate stayed so high when I was at the lowest level. My only conclusion is that A. I’m in worse shape than I thought - which isn’t possible because I’ve been working out frequently on my stationary bike and keeping active in general) or B. The machine is high tech and no more than a year old, and probably gives a damn good workout that I’m not used to.

So then I went onto the treadmill - which I might add is the first time I’ve ever used one! - and ended up only doing 10 minutes on it. I did the treadmill AFTER my elliptical workout so I was definitely feeling the burn in my arms a legs.

BUT… the treadmill kept slowing me down to a damn crawl because of my heart rate, which stayed high. These newer machines don’t let you overtrain! That really sucks. So I got off of it. I mean, there was a grandpa-type next to me going 10X faster than me. How embarrassing!

Speaking of embarrassing, the machines are really close to each other, and when I was asked to put in my weight and age, I was so embarrassed. I know the people behind me could see my numbers. I felt like saying “Yeah I’m a fat**s, that’s why I’m here!” I know for a fact that people do look at other people’s machines at the gym, so I’m not being paranoid. (Although I don’t unless they are right in front of me).

Also, there were two super-skinny girls on the treadmills behind me, and I’m sure they kept seeing my machine say “Slowing your speed to lower heart rate”. I kept trying to add an incline on the treadmill and it would only add it for like 10 seconds then go back down.

Hmm… maybe next time I’ll put in that I’m 25. That way it’ll let my heart rate go a little higher.

All in all, not a bad first day, but I can’t wait until I go back tomorrow. I plan to do 30 minutes on the elliptical again, 20 on the spinning machine (which is a MUCH better workout than my ordinary stationary bike) and maybe give the treadmill another whirl. I’ll probably use the treadmill to warm up this time, though. I also might venture over to the free weights and do some lifts.

As for today’s calories… I’m probably going to finish the day around 1700 or so. Which is actually good considering: 1. I have absolutely no appetite today and have had to force myself to eat and 2. I supposedly burn an average of 2400 calories per day (when factoring in my activity levels), so that is a 700 net calorie loss. Which is good for one day.

Goals:

• Eat 1500-1700 calories per day (until I lose another 5 pounds).
• No more than 2 glasses of wine per day, no more than 3 days per week.
• My last meal of the day will have no more than 15 carbs in it.
• Go to the gym at least 6 days per week
• Until I get more fit: Use a minimum of 3 machines, burn a minimum of 400 calories through exercise
• Once I get more fit: Use a minimum of 4 machines (including weights), burn a minimum of 600 calories through exercise.

Rewards:

• When I officially get into my “average” BMI range, (which won’t be too much longer and will be an exciting day!) I will be allowed to buy myself a new Louis Vuitton or Fendi bag.
• When I get down another 2 sizes, I will buy myself 3 new pairs of designer pants/jeans (although I still have my old clothes in that size) and tops.
• When I lose 30 pounds from where I am now, I will be allowed to buy another new Fendi bag and matching shoes.
• When I reach size 2 - my ultimate goal - I will buy myself an entirely new wardrobe. After all, I have no clothing in that size as I haven’t been that size in several years!

My absolute ultimate goal is to be a size 2, but going from a 4 to a 2 will take some time, as my weight loss slows to a trickle when I’m that low.

Well the doctor in the ER was apparently full of crap - I ate cheese last night and felt FINE. Full-fat cheese in fact.

I should have known he didn’t know what he was talking about when he suggested I not take digestive enzymes for heartburn and instead recommended prilosec. I mean, what kind of doctor recommends treating the symptoms and NOT the problem? What kind of doctor doesn’t even know what digestive enzymes are??

So who knows what on earth the problem really is/was. All I know is that I will likely never be eating peanut butter again.

Sigh.

Anyway, it’s been four months since I’ve begun my “diet”. And you know what? I haven’t gotten very far. I thought by now I would have lost 20 pounds at least.

Ha. What a crock.

Just a warning up front: this is a rather personal post, so if I feel weird about having it up later on, I may delete it!

That said, I had a bit of a wake-up call the night I went to the doctor’s: what I see in the mirror and what is in real life are two different things. I see myself as probably 3 sizes smaller than I really am. In real life, I’m chubby. Not fat, but chubby. In the mirror, I see an average girl. For some reason, I can’t see my extra flab and fat. But it is definitely there. That was translated to me through various methods. For instance… the fact that the nurse couldn’t find a vein in my arms and had to stick me painfully four times. The way that the doctor said that I need to cut out cholesterol and fat from my diet. (Even before the diagnosis was made). Just the general way I was treated at that hospital, which I can tell you was different than the last time I was there (at a much lighter weight) with Hyponatremia. The way that any time I joke about “needing to lose a few more”, nobody contradicts me and instead smiles that polite smile. The way I always end up selecting pants that are too small for me at the store.

Let me elaborate: You know when you go to a store and you can usually figure out what size pants will fit you without having to try them on, just by looking at them? Once upon a time, I was able to do that. But I’ve realized that for the last year, every time I go shopping, I pick sizes that are too small. I always think a particular pair will fit, and they end up not.

Technically, I’m smaller than the average woman in America. And yes, since beginning my quest to lose weight in October, I’ve dropped somewhere between 2-4 sizes (depending on designer, they all seem to fit differently!)

But the reality is that I am not as thin as I thought I was.

Perhaps this stems from the fact that I was thin most of my life, and just can’t really accept where I am now. And it’s frightening: I look in the mirror and see an average and slim girl who is NOT overweight.

But I get on the scale, and despite even more recent weight loss, I’m still technically overweight. I see a photo of myself and I look absolutely enormous - no exaggerating. It’s scary and really sad.

It was a real wake-up call for me. I guess you can say I’ve actually “realized” what I truly am: overweight. It’s terrible and it needs to change.

So I’m back on my other plan, somewhat, to eat frequent and small meals with some alterations. Most fat has been removed from my diet, except for the fat that naturally occurs in chicken breasts and other healthy foods. I also seem to be doing OK on low-fat cheese in small amounts, which is good. I started my exercise and strength-training back up today as well.

The good news: the workouts and healthier eating in general has paid off. My heartburn, very high blood pressure and heart palpitations, which I would be suffering from normally at this very moment, are gone. They only plagued me for 2 or 3 days this time.

Next month, they won’t plague me at all. I will make sure of that.

Well after hours of waiting, misery, boredom (except for when my friend B was there to keep me company), getting poked, prodded, prodded more, poked even more, then prodded once again, it has been determined by the ER doctor that my body can no longer properly digest fatty foods.

I do not have gall stones. I do not have a gallbladder infection. I do not have appendicitis. My liver is fine. I have no infections of any kind. My electrolytes were on the low side of normal, but all within normal range except for my sodium, which was lower than normal. (Not low enough for hyponatremia, though). Since I asked for a copy of my lab results, I can share some of them with you (normal ranges in parenthesis):

Sodium- 133 (136-145)
Potassium - 3.6 (3.5-5.1)
Chloride - 100 (100-110)
Glucose - 88 (70-100)
Calcium - 8.8 (8.5-10.1)
ALP - 57 (50-136)

It’s a good thing that I’ve been keeping track of everything I’ve eaten over the past couple of weeks. And the conclusion is that every time I’ve eaten something fattening or greasy, I’ve had problems. And it’s only gotten worse.

So the doctor suggested: no more fatty foods. As someone who loves cheese, this is devastating.

But I’ll be losing weight. I already have, I got weighed and was surprised at the results, especially considering I’m on PMS. My blood pressure was MUCH lower than it usually is around this time, too!

I feel like crap today. I’m dehydrated from not ingesting anything - not even water - for 14 hours yesterday. It’s 3:45 and I haven’t eaten anything today. I am just not hungry at all. For anything. The thought of food makes my stomach turn right now, so what’s the point of eating?

I am pretty bummed out though that my six-meal-per-day plan has been ruined. Once my stomach is behaving, I’ll start it again…