January 2008

First and foremost, I want to thank the lovely people who left me super-nice comments on my last post! You rock!

I guess I couldn’t stay away from this site for more than a day after all… oh well.

Anyway, I have the WORST heartburn ever right now. It’s to the point where it almost feels like my esophagus or whatever pipe is down there is actually rubbing against inflamed tissue or something. It doesn’t just burn, but it hurts. I’m about to down some more Maalox though, hopefully that will fix it.

So, onto my weight loss battle plans…

There are four things that I have decided that I need to change. I believe these four things are inhibiting me from losing more weight:

1. I need to get back to exercising twice a day. Since returning to New Hampshire, I’ve slacked off on exercising in a huge way.

2. I need to stop drinking alcohol. Again. Since returning to New Hampshire, I’ve slipped back into my partying, drinking ways. Not so much the post-alcohol munchies thankfully (except for one night over this past weekend). I am allowing myself no more than 1 or 2 drinks a couple nights per week.

3. I need to make a huge effort to drink more water.

4. I need to never eat chinese food again. It bloats me up the next day, makes me feel like crap and just isn’t good for you. (At least the stuff I eat of it, like crab rangoon and fried rice). I find it extremely addictive. Don’t ask me how many days in the past week I’ve eaten it, I’m too ashamed to tell.

So, today is day one on this new improved regime. I did 45 minutes on my exercise bike earlier and will be doing an additional 15 before going to my friend’s house for dinner, where I will be having a plain barbecued chicken breast. I’m on my fourth large glass of iced-cold tap water. (The tap here in NH comes out ice cold and very refreshing, unlike in Tulsa).

Tonight, I am allowing myself one shot of vodka. As mentioned above, I’m going to my friend J’s house. You may remember me talking about her early last year. She was the one who used to constantly offer shots of Goldschlager and fattening, fried food. Well, she’s gotten a lot better with that. She does still drink and offer shots of Gold, but doesn’t try to push it if I turn it down. (Which lately I haven’t). :-/ However, tonight the Gold is a nono. I mean, drinking a shot of Goldschlager with this heartburn can be comparable to say, swallowing a double-edged sword sprinkled with salt.

Last but not least, I will update this blog each night and state whether or not I’ve had a successful day.

Now back to my heartburn.. ow. Like seriously, OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! This sh*t is killing me. Back to the Maalox bottle I go…

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Just a warning up front: This will be a long post. It is 1am here and I desperately want to go to bed, but I’m not tired. Also, I may not post again for a few days or so. I’m starting to think that I need another short break from here.

So, first topic of the day: diet pills. It seems that my body has become used to the diet pills I have been taking, because they are no longer having any effect on my appetite. I still have some extra mind clarity and energy when I take them, but that’s about it.

Oh well. Should have know that it wouldn’t work for long, just like nothing does. Sure, I can up the dosage, but most likely I will not do it. I’m already up to one pill in the morning, and a half in the afternoon. I could safely go to two pills in the morning and afternoon, but I don’t want to do that. Instead, I think I’ll give them a break for a few days.

So really I have no choice, really, but to plod on as I have been. I have not gotten on the scale and don’t plan to. But clothing continues to be more loose-fitting, including undergarments.

I’ve decided that when a certain pair of pants I own start getting ridiculously big – I will get on the scale. You know that time – when one day, you step into a pair of pants and you just can’t wear them anymore? THAT is when I will weigh myself.

Onto other topics. I had someone on my other site accuse me of doing nothing with my life but sit around all day obsessing over celebrities and their weight. This is so far from the truth that’s laughable. Sure, I post about celebs and their weight as my hobby (and technically, as my job) but I have so many other interests and things in life. I only spend an hour or two per day doing the posts, then periodically check comments and site performance and do maintenance throughout the day and evening if I’m home. The rest of my time is spent on other things. Such as, my other hobbies – reading, writing, shopping, photography, traveling, learning more tech geek stuff, gaming, computers, buying domains, etc. Many of my evenings are spent with friends (or family, when I’m in Tulsa). I own over 160 domain names – some really good ones in fact – and have websites about various topics. I own probably over 2000 books – many of them “chick lit” because the publishers still send tons of them to me free every month despite the fact that I rarely read them anymore. (I’ve moved onto memoirs and non-fiction).

As for spending time obsessing over celebrities, I’m going to confess something to you: most of the time, I can care LESS about celebs. I don’t care who is dating who, who got a DUI, who is getting divorced, etc. Not to diss anyone out there that IS celeb obsessed, but I’m simply not. There are some of them I really like, some I don’t like, but most of them I could care less about. The ones I really like are the ones I consider truly talented.

Onto weight obsession… yes, I think about my weight a lot these days. I have to, as the battle to lose weight is difficult and takes dedication. However, that doesn’t mean I spend all day counting calories or stressing out over it. Nope.

Last but not least, I was going to change this website. I posted about it at the end of last year – I was going to review diet books and products here. But truth be told, I’ve decided to keep this blog as-is (except do a new layout sometime soon). After all, it’s a personal account of my weight loss. I don’t want to review diet pills and/or books, because I don’t really use most of them. I mean, imagine taking all sorts of diet pills just for the sake of reviewing them? Like Alli – it causes side effects that cause one to spend a lot of time in the bathroom. No thanks! And all those ridiculous green tea/caffeine/chromium/ginseng pills? Nooo. I have anxiety attacks when I take those. I’m almost tempted to try hoodia, but I hear some people say it makes you nauseated.

I do, by the way, have another website in which I discuss matters pertaining to the general dieting world and weight topics. I will reveal the link to you all at some point soon, as it’s still in its beginning stages.

OK, I am done rambling on and on about myself.

So back to my own dieting journey… I’m at a loss right now as to what I should do. Completely, utterly stumped.

Anyway, I will be back in a few days with an update and hopefully a solution or plan.

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Dear PMS,

I hate you. Why must you make me constantly hungry – even after having just finished a meal?

Why???????????

Angrily,
Rian

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I have the WORST cravings for fattening, carb-loaded greasy food right now. Like… chinese food. It’s baaad.

I know why I’m having this craving… can we say PMS?

Anyway, I have this sneaking suspicion that I’m going to give into the craving. Because it’s 3 hours later and still going strong. Diet pill is not helping at all and I refuse to up the dosage. Copious amounts of water and coffee haven’t helped, either. It’s snowing outside and I don’t want to drive in that crap, so I’m sort of stuck at home. Although I’ll probably go for a walk later.

Cravings suck….

Help!!!!!!!!!!

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Later edit: I just ordered crab rangoon and chicken fried rice. I’m doomed.

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Even later edit: Apparently I only craved a little bit of greasy chinese food… I didn’t actually eat all that much, probably only 400 calories worth (if that!). Then I threw the rest away so as to not be tempted by it later.

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I own several hoodies – they are one of my favorite things to wear (layered over a shirt and pants/jeans). So anyway…. today, while trying to find something to wear, I tried on 3 of the hoodies I’ve had for a while now.

And…. drumroll please….

The two hoodies that used to be tight – figure hugging in fact – are now loose.

Now if that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.

I used to wear hoodies to cover my tummy roll. However, I haven’t had to do that in quite some time now. Now, I can just wear regular shirts and sweaters without my stomach billowing out unattractively. My old enemy tummy roll left the building a few months ago and hasn’t made a comback.

Now I’m going to address a comment I just received:

I have been a lurker for a while now. And from a purely outsider’s perspective, I have to say that the language in your posts has become more and more unhealthy…definitely straying from your motto:
“I made a pact with myself that from here on out, it is all about becoming healthy, slim and active – and staying that way for the rest of my life!”
If healthy, slim, and active is what you want to be, do you really want to be doing it with diet pills? Why not let your body tell you what it wants and find the set weight at which it is comfortable?

of course, feel free to ignore these suggestions…

(See last post).

First off, I appreciate the comment and yes, you are right when you say I have become slightly unhealthy with my language.

However…. this is NOT my body’s normal weight. How can it be my body’s normal weight if I’m unhealthy, with semi high blood pressure and other symptoms that I NEVER had while at a good weight?

And yes, I did make a pact with myself back in September. I want to be as healthy as possible, energetic and slim.

The problem is that regular 1200-1800 diet and exercise plans DO NOT WORK FOR ME. OK, they work, but I lose an average of 2 pounds per month, which is just UNACCEPTABLE! So I am forced to devise other methods to lose weight – sometimes doing low carb, sometimes skipping meals, and an occasional diet pill.

I’ve tried the six meals per day thing – and I just cannot bring myself to eat that often. (I don’t have THAT big of an appetite). I’ve tried everything “normal” and it just doesn’t work for long.

Oh, and the months I did vigorous, slightly hardcore exercise – like an hour a day – guess what? I was sick all the time! I spent most of November with various upper respiratory infections and colds.

What else am I supposed to do – stay at this unhealthy weight forever? Or wait a year to lose 24 pounds, when I have about 40 to lose? (And I do actually have a healthy goal weight/size for my body type).

I don’t think so.

But I appreciate your comments. And no, I have no qualms about losing my next 15-20 pounds with diet pills – taken in extreme moderation – if it works. That is, along with light to moderate exercise and as healthy food choices as I can. Because I need something to work, and so far, it is.

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Since my last post, I’ve upped my diet pill regime just a tiny bit. Basically, if I followed the dosage directions, I am allowed to take up to 6 pills per day (2 at a time). However, I started at a half pill only twice a day, which is a fraction of the dosage.

I’m very sensitive to stimulants (well, except coffee, since I drink it every day, unless I go over 3 cups). Anyway, I’ve now upped my diet pill dosage to 3/4 of a pill in the morning with 3/4 cup of coffee, then 1/2 pill in the afternoon. The ones I take don’t have caffeine in them, so I decided it was OK to mix them after all.

I have to say this is working OK so far. Today was the first day that I upped my regime, and to be honest, I got the same type of frenetic, almost unstable energy that I got while I was deep in ketosis on the Kimkins diet. It’s really hard to explain – I feel like I have a ton of energy, but my brain is working overtime. I think of a million things I have to do, then start each task one after another before finishing one of them. The energy is incredible and I have to admit I love it.

Does that make sense? Probably not. But I’m enjoying the extra energy and appetite suppression. I’m not taking quite enough of the diet pill to completely suppress my appetite. However, it’s definitely making me eat less. I can only take several bites of a meal before feeling like I don’t want any more.

So I make sure what I DO eat is healthy. Plus I’m still taking vitamins.

We shall see what the results will be… I don’t think I’ll be increasing my diet pill dosage again anytime soon. “Frenetic energy” is one thing. “Wired” is another… I can’t stand the feeling of my brain being super-wired. Not too long ago, I accidentally mixed too much caffeine with green tea capsules. Well, it wasn’t pretty… I was driving along the highway and almost had an anxiety attack. Actually, I think I did have one. I felt like my brain was about to fly off without my body. And NOT in a good way.

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I haven’t taken a diet pill since the day I posted about them (Monday). The reason for that is quite simple – I don’t want to mix my diet pills with caffeine for obvious reasons, and lately I’ve been getting my coffee too late in the day to then take a diet pill on top of it. Plus, I refuse to take the diet pills after 4pm because the side effects is inability to get to sleep. (I have enough trouble with that, believe you me!)

So as has happened before, as soon as I started complaining that I can’t lose weight to save my life, I suddenly lose more. This morning, I was able to fit into a pair of pants that were too tight on me ONLY LAST WEEK. So I am losing something, only it isn’t scale weight. I stepped on the scale this morning and it IS STILL THE SAME.

But I refuse to get upset, because frankly, I’d rather fit in smaller pants than lose scale weight, if it came down to it. Which obviously it is. One of my favorite BCBG hoodies, which used to be form-fitting, is now LOOSE. Seriously loose. I can’t understand it at all. Why won’t the scale move? Am I retaining extra water? It can’t be muscle because I’ve relaxed with the workouts. (After all, my elliptical machine is back in Tulsa, OK, and I’m here in Nashua, NH with only a stationary bike).

I just don’t understand it, at all. Oh well.

So, moving on… as I mentioned in a previous post, my car is in the shop getting its transmission rebuilt. So I’ve been renting a 2008 Chevy Malibu with Massachusetts plates since Saturday. I hated the car at first, but it has grown on me. The newer cars are really something… they have so many bells and whistles. Now I want a new car! But tomorrow morning I have to go pay $2400 to pick up my 2002 Honda Civic with its rebuilt tranny. Hmm… where is the justice in that? (In case you haven’t read my previous posts, my 2002 Civic has over 156,000 miles on it because I drove it all around the country the past six months, which is why the transmission pretty much gave out on it last week).

So onto non-weight related stuff… I found out yesterday that I’m not allowed to wear my contact lenses for an entire month! I went to the eye doctor yesterday afternoon because of a slight mishap that occurred over the weekend. (I didn’t mention it here – I basically was walking up my friend’s steep, icy, pitch black driveway and literally WALKED INTO A TREE BRANCH, which poked me in the damn eye). So I made an appt. yesterday to make sure my eye was OK since it seemed a bit irritated.

Well, the (extremely hot) eye doctor told me in no uncertain terms that I am NOT to wear my contacts for a month until I see him again. Apparently both of my eyes are irritated, slightly swollen, dry and just NOT good. I’ve been wearing contact lenses for 13 years, and apparently it has taken its toll.

So I’m stuck wearing my glasses for the next month straight! Which sucks. I can’t see as well with them. But I have gotten a lot of compliments on them. (Mostly from guys with eyeglass fetishes). They are the really cute, hip, small-framed type of glasses which I might add cost me well over $300. (I also paid extra so that they wouldn’t resemble coke-bottles, since I’m blind as a bat).

Too bad I can’t see for sh*t when I wear them!!!!! (Although the eye doctor said that within a week or two, I would be able to see better with them because my eyes would heal).

There is a lot going on in my life right now that I can’t even mention here, but suffice it is to say that I’ve been extremely busy. I’m planning on a trip into Boston (which is about 35 miles from here) sometime next week, which I’m looking forward to. Haven’t been there in a while. Plus I’ll get a lot of walking in while I’m there.

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I’ll be honest here – I’m getting a little disillusioned here with losing weight. Stuff works for me, but it only works short term.

For instance, low carbing? Yeah, it’ll work for a while. Low calorie? Yeah, it’ll work for a week or two. Exercising like a fiend and eating light? Yeah, it’ll work (but I’ll also be sick for weeks). Exercising regularly and eating a bit less than normal? Doesn’t work at all for me.

And then it all stops. I’ve been conscious of every single morsel that has gone into my mouth in the past few months, and I’m not really losing weight anymore. Some days, my pants are looser than other days. Some days they aren’t. I’ve been averaging something like a 2 pound per month loss for the last two months. That is just unacceptable!

I mean, yes, overall, my pants ARE looser than they were a few weeks ago. But it’s not enough. The scale has remained at the same number for over a month now.

Eat six meals a day, people say? Doesn’t work. My blood sugar goes crazy for some reason when I do this. Plus, I cannot physically shove food in my mouth that many times a day! I’m just not hungry for it. Doesn’t that make sense?

Why won’t the weight loss continue steadily? It doesn’t matter if I eat 1200 calories, 600 calories or 1800 calories in one day. Nothing is really changing much, if at all.

I keep hearing all this advice. But none of it works for long.

I’m just fed up with this whole dieting thing. I’m on my last option here… and this better work. So…… I have decided to start taking a diet pill. Which one, I’m not going to reveal here. No, it’s not Hoodia or Alli. And it is NOT an illegal pill or substance. I’m being very careful, and and only taking 1/4th to 1/2 of the recommended dosage, but I’ve already noticed a dramatic reduction in appetite. Not that my appetite is enormous to begin with, but this pill makes a person not want to eat anything.

So yeah, it’s pathetic, I guess, to stoop so low to taking a diet pill, but I’m at my wit’s end here. For real. I don’t usually share the extent of my frustrations in this blog because I’m a pretty private person, but hey… I’m putting it out there now: I’m taking diet pills – just started yesterday. (Very carefully). And making sure to take vitamins EVERY SINGLE DAY and eat at least two servings of fruit and/or veggies per day.

We shall see…

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Bad parties suck. You know the type – when everyone gets drunk and several fights and arguments break out.

Yeah, those parties. The ones where you waste your time standing around, wasting calories on alcohol. Where the same old thing happens and you wake up the next morning bloated because you drank too much alcohol. Where you didn’t really want to drink, but had to because it was stupid and boring and at least alcohol would pass the time.

I think I’m going to become a hermit from now on.

So anyway, a quick update on my diet strategy: I just don’t eat much. I wait until my stomach is concave with hunger before eating. I’ve been just too damn busy and stressed out to eat much lately.

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