It’s Saturday and absolutely gorgeous out, so I figured I would only write a quick post. I did excellent with my calories yesterday - stuck to roughly 1500 as planned. It was a little more difficult than I thought it would be though. I am used to eating bigger portions.

Not only did I keep the calories in check, but I also ate lots of salad and vegetables. As a matter of fact, I made a huge salad yesterday that I’m keeping in a big container, and having one or two bowls of it per day. The salad is made with these ingredients:

• Iceberg salad mix (iceberg lettuce, cabbage and carrots)
• Spring mix of salad (baby spinach, baby leaf, baby romaine lettuce)
• Diced raw carrots
• Grape tomatoes
• Diced celery (yuck, but oh well, it’s healthy)
• Mushrooms
• Tiny cubes of shape white and yellow cheddar cheese
• Diced red, green, orange and yellow peppers

Sounds healthy huh? The cheese is the only thing that has significant calories.

I got a new pair of contact lenses yesterday with an updated prescription, so when I look in the mirror I can see several details I previously was unable to. (Scary). So, I stood naked in front of my mirror today and noticed some stretch marks that I hadn’t seen before… ugh. I have a LOT of work cut out for me in order to get in shape. I’m so glad I started now… by next month I should be able to at least wear short-sleeved shirts without feeling as slobbish as I do now.

The good news is that the worse I notice myself looking, the more of a motivation it is when I feel like cheating on my diet. (Gotta try and stay positive!)

So, I had a 360-calorie breakfast, am eating a 310-calorie lunch, and have two more meals planned out for my 2nd midday meal and dinner. My 2nd midday meal is going to be 450 calories and my dinner, 380. That equals out to 1500 calories. (I am doing a four or five meal per day plan and counting every calorie I put into my mouth, liquid or solid). 1500 may seem like too many for some of you, but as I discovered today… I’ve been eating WAY more than that, so I will begin to lose weight regardless. After a few days, I’ll drop down to 1300 or so. Plus, I’m planning to be very active for the next several days, as the weather here is FINALLY nice.

And let me just say… no wonder I am overweight! As a matter of fact, I am surprised that I have not hit obesity. After adding up the calories and foods and figuring out the calories for the portions I’ll be eating… I realized how much I have truly been eating for the past couple of months. And it is a LOT. When I saw how small the portions are for these 300-450 cal meals, I realized that I’ve probably been eating around 2500-3000 calories per day!

I did the exercise bike last night for 15 minutes. Today, I already have done a fair amount of walking and plan to do another mile or two by the end of the day.

I went to the store and bought a damn scale. And my new weight is…

165. So, I have actually gained since starting this journal.

I’m 5′5 and I weigh 165.

I have a LOT of work to do. 45 pounds of work.

Ok.. another new layout. In case you haven’t noticed. This one I actually made myself. I actually rather like it.

My fridge is stocked with tons of healthy food and I’m ready to get down to business. In order for me to bother keeping this website, I have to really make a full effort to lose the 40 pounds I set out to lose. So… time to buy a scale. Time to write down calories and meals that I will plan to eat. I’m heading to Super Wal-Mart as soon as I finish this post. (It’s actually 12:26am here, but the Wal-mart is open 24/7). I’m a terrible night owl and am usually up most of the night anyway. May as well make use of it!

I sort-of had an epiphany today. I sat myself down and said: ____, why did you bother starting this website? Seriously? You aren’t doing a damn thing to lose weight. You’ve stopped exercising and you still eat horribly. OK, you stopped drinking, but it’s not enough. It’s time to work hard! Stop slacking off! (Yes, I was hard on myself today). But I needed the pep talk.

So I’m headed down to Wal-Mart to get a scale. As soon as I’m back, I will get on the damn thing and weigh myself, and post it here - no matter WHAT it says. Gulp.

Yesterday, it was my friend B’s birthday, so I ended up taking him to our favorite pool hall and plying him with shots. Normally I wouldn’t do this after my whole alcohol cessation thing, but to be honest, I felt strong enough to go have a couple drinks without relapsing into alcohol abuse. B is also planning not to drink for the next year and last night was his last night. So I did go, and had a couple of shots and 1 drink. I didn’t overdo it - in fact, I left the bar early. My last AA meeting was last Tuesday night, and I’ve had no cravings or relapses since then, so I feel perhaps I am not a true alcoholic after all - just a alcohol abuser? I broke the “drinking every day” cycle.

So… I did end up going grocery shopping last night after leaving the bar. I got the following: lots of iceberg salad (which I’ve strangely been craving lately), rice cakes (cheese-flavored), a bag of pears, carrot sticks, canteloupe, tuna, “Slender” Soy milk, Kashi low-cal cereal, and some squash. I already have a bunch of yogurt in my fridge, other meats, and a few odds and ends. Nothing fattening or high-sugar or junk-foodish, however.

Nothing else too exciting going on at the moment! I am considering this to be Day 1 of my diet… all over again.

The biggest change right now is the layout of this website… as you will probably note. Also, I’m in the process of adding links to other diet and weight type of blogs. They should be up in the next 24 hours or so.

Not too much has changed otherwise. My “fat fat” clothes are fitting a bit more loosely. I think it has to do with the alcohol cessation, which has definitely made my face look less bloated. But I refuse to weigh myself until I can fit back into my sized 8 pants. Nonononononono.

To be honest, I’m not doing good with my diet. I think the only solution to my over-eating situation is to not keep ANY junk food in the house. None. At this current moment in time, I do not have any here, and I’m glad. For some reason, my willpower just gets non-existent anytime I am around any food. I cannot figure out why I am constantly “hungry”. I say that with quotes because I don’t believe it is true physical hunger.

People can say “just cut down on your food intake” and “exercise more”. But damn it is hard sometimes. Especially when… I feel I am constantly “hungry”. And, I was fighting a virus the past few days which made it difficult to even go anywhere, let alone do a workout. (I’m better now, though). The flu and some weird viruses are going around here right now (quite rampantly) and of course I would pick something up when I was on antibiotics for months.

I guess the only thing I can do is just pick myself up and start over. Again and again, until it actually works. So tonight I am making another effort. I’m going to the grocery store, buying ONLY healthy food. Salad, fruits, veggies, lean meats, puree juices. I’ve heard adding additional fiber to your diet is a huge appetite suppressant, so I’m planning to buy some fiber pills or powder.

Can I actually do it this time? Is this why so many people turn to extreme dieting methods - because they find the only time they have self-control is when they severely restrict themselves? I’m starting to wonder.