Two Breakdowns and a Turning Point

I actually didn’t go and get my oral surgery done today after all. I pushed it back one more month to allow myself to try and get a bit healthier before being put to sleep and cut open! I feel as though I need to lose some weight, stop drinking and feel better before undergoing anything.

So… I had two breakdowns today. One was alcohol-related - I yelled at a friend of mine (a guy friend whom I’ll call “B” here) who always pushes alcohol at me every time I tell him “I’m not having any more than 1 drink tonight”. Last night was no exception. We did several shots of Yukon Jack, which is 100-proof alcohol. Overall, I know am responsible for myself and my drinking, but a real friend would not continually offer drinks when they know you are trying to cut back and stop! So, when he called me today, I told him - point blank- that I was fed up, and if he wanted to continue to be my friend, he had better stop it. Thankfully the conversation turned out well. He is planning to stop drinking the day after his birthday, which is next Saturday.

The second breakdown was when I was talking to my best female friend, whom I’ll call J here. I started freaking out on the phone with her seconds before B called. I had her on speakerphone and I was trying on some size 10 and 8 pants, both of which didn’t fit for different reasons. That’s enough to push anyone over the edge - when your “fat fat” clothes don’t fit. (Thankfully, a pair of Old Navy sized 8 pants do fit me, which I’m wearing right now). So, I freaked out, yelling “I’m never eating again - my !#%54?! stomach won’t let me zip up these !#%54?! pants! #!$$#%^#??!@#!!” She tried to calm me down but I told her “I have to call you back”. Then hung up and almost started crying.

She and I are planning to go to an AA meeting tonight, which I am eagerly anticipating. (How pathetic am I???) J also has drinking problems - she’s been drinking years longer than I have been, though.

Anyway, everyone is entitled to a breakdown or two occasionally. I’m just so fed up with feeling unhealthy and drinking that I am now absolutely determined to lose weight and stop drinking. Sometimes you have to get to this point where you are utterly, completely and immeasurably fed up. That is where I’m at now.

Thanks for all of your tips - you guys are right about the waffles and sugar and stuff. No wonder I’m not losing any weight - I’m not doing it right! From now on it’s veggies, fruits, yogurt, lean meats, and other healthy stuff. I got a nice chunk of change deposited into my checking account this morning, and I’m going to go out after the AA meeting tonight and buy tons of healthy stuff. That’s it - no more junk food or cheating.

AND … to stop myself from being tempted to eat junk or order in ‘Chicken and Chips’ (my favorite place around here, which is so fattening and greasy and yummy), I’m going to picture my angst when I was trying to zip my bloated belly into a size 10 pair of pants today… I think it will work. (That type of thing has worked in the past).

When I lost 15-20 pounds two years ago, I had this Junior pair of size 7 dress pants that I literally could not fit over my hips, let alone zip up. What spurred me to go on a diet back then is the fact that I couldn’t fit into size 7! So, I tried on the pants every few weeks, during the diet. Eventually I managed to fit into them. It was awesome. I’m going to try that again. Only this time, instead of a pair of pants, I’ll be able to use most of my size 6 wardrobe - since I can’t fit into any of it right now!